


Inversion Therapy

by unoriginalHandle



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe, Bizarro Trolls, Gen, Pesterlog, Reversed Personalities
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-03-21
Updated: 2012-10-28
Packaged: 2017-11-02 08:17:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 24,503
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/366909
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unoriginalHandle/pseuds/unoriginalHandle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A fill for this Kinkmeme prompt: http://homesmut.livejournal.com/15949.html?thread=31908685#t31908685</p>
<p>In an AU where the trolls' personalities are backwards, Rose has to use her skills as an armchair psychologist to keep them from killing each other. Hijinks ensue.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I guess I should post the following trigger warnings:
> 
> Although I'll try to keep things light and silly, especially in potential future chapters, this first chapter concerns a suicide attempt (don’t worry, no character deaths.)
> 
> Also, without spoiling too much, I’ll just say that Gamzee is an ableist creep, as well as a creep in general, so watch out for that.

Your name is Rose Lalonde, and God, does your head hurt. You haven’t slept in three days, and every second you aren’t doing something, anything, your eyes start to feel heavy and you have to get up and run around your room in circles just to keep yourself moving. After you feel life in your limbs again, you slump back to your desk, the light of your computer filtering through your clenched eyelids. You don’t want to fall asleep. You’ve been having bad dreams lately.

You’ve been asking for opinions on several psychology forums. However, you find that their advice is typically useless New Age babble. You give up hope when somebody says that you should buy crystals to filter the negative energy away from your aura; when this person posts this, virtually everyone else changes their opinion to agree with them. Now you’ve created a new forum account and are trolling the shit out of these pseudoscientific dunderheads, if only to stay awake.

Suddenly, your computer makes a sound, and you nearly jump back in your chair. It’s Pesterchum. When you see activity coming from your TrollSlum, you groan, but then you read the username and smile a bit. This one isn’t so bad, really.

\--  carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] at 22:25 --

CG: ROSE!!!!  
TT: Karkat.  
CG: HIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHI!!!!  
CG: (:B  
CG: THATISASMILEYIFYOUCAN’TTELL!!!   
TT: What?   
TT: Oh, I see.   
CG: YEAHI’MREALLYPROUDOFITITISSOHARDTOINCORPORATEMYHORNSINTOMYSMILEYSBUTYOUREALLYHAVETOTRY  
TT: Karkat.   
CG: BUTIAMSOHAPPYBECAUSEYOURECOGNIZEDITANDIREALLYNEEDEDAGOODSMILEYBECAUSELET’SFACEITTHEREISNEVERATIMEIDON’TNEEDASMILEY!!!!   
TT: Karkat!   
CG: ANYWAYIWASSUPPOSEDTOTELLYOUSOMETHINGIMPORTANTBUTI’MSOHAPPYRIGHTNOWIFORGETSOJUSTLETMETHINKFORAWHILE  
CG: ANDI’LLTALKWHILEITHINKBECAUSETHATMAKESMYTHINKPANWORKBETTER  
TT: KARKAT.   
TT: PLEASE.   
CG: ?:B  
TT: Spaces, Oedipus: can you use them?!   
CG: OH I’M SORRY ROSE I JUST GET REALLY EXCITED WHEN WE TALK  
CG: AND I CAN’T STOP TYPING AND SOMETIMES I FORGET THAT PEOPLE NEED SOME SPACE BETWEEN WORDS  
CG: I’LL TRY TO BE GOOD AND NOT BAD FROM NOW ON OK?!!!!   
CG: I AM SO SORRY FOR BEING BAD. ):B   
CG: (THAT IS A SAD FACE IF YOU COULD NOT TELL.)   
TT: <sigh>  
TT: You’re not being bad, Karkat, you’re merely being...overly enthusiastic.   
CG: DO YOU MEAN THAT? o:B  
CG: I’M NOT BAD?   
TT: No, of course not.   
CG: OHYIPPEEYIPPEEYIPPEEYIPPEEYIPPEE  
CG: THATMAKESMESOHAPPY!!!!   
CG: (:B (:B (:B  
TT: Karkat, what did we just discuss?   
CG: OH RIGHT! SORRY.   
TT: Now, what did you mean to tell me?   
CG: ???   
CG: TELL YOU???   
TT: You said that you needed to tell me something important.   
CG: I DID?   
TT: Scroll up and look at your last message. It’s in there somewhere.   
CG: REALLY?   
CG: HUH!   
CG: I GUESS I DID!   
CG: SOMETIMES MY MEMORY DOESN’T WORK TOO GOOD.   
CG: ESPECIALLY WITH BAD NEWS.   
CG: IT MUST’VE BEEN BAD NEWS IF I FORGOT IT THAT FAST.   
TT: What do you mean?   
CG: WELL I GUESS MAYBE IT IS A SUBCONSCIOUS THING OR SOMETHING  
CG: BUT THE WAY I SEE IT  
CG: THERE’S JUST TOO MUCH GOOD IN THE UNIVERSE TO ENJOY!   
CG: REMEMBERING THE BAD THINGS JUST SEEMS LIKE A WASTE OF TIME TO ME!!!   
CG: SO WHEN I GET REALLY HAPPY I JUST TEND TO FORGET THE BAD THINGS!   
TT: So far as I can tell, you’re always happy.   
CG: YES EXACTLY!!!!   
TT: I think that you should try and focus. See if you can remember what exactly needs my attention. For all I know, it could be an emergency, and we are both wasting time and lives dawdling on a chat client.   
CG: OK I WILL TRY!   
CG: THINKING...   
CG: THINKING...   
CG: !   
CG: O:B   
CG: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA  
CG: YOU WERE RIGHT  
CG: BIG EMERGENCY  
TT: What’s the matter, Karkat?   
CG: WE NEED SICKOTHEREMIN  
CG: NO PYSOTERAST  
CG: URG  
CG: THINKY DOCTOR THINKY DOCTOR WE NEED THINKY DOCTOR  
CG: HALP PLEASE  
TT: You are aware that I am only an amateur follower of the psychiatric field?   
CG: WHO CARES YOU ARE SMART AND YOU CAN HELP ROSE!   
CG: AND IT’S A MATTER OF LIFE AND DEATH!!   
TT: Life and death? What’s the matter, Karkat?   
CG: TWO OF OUR FRIENDS ARE TRYING TO JUMP OFF A CLIFF!   
CG: BIG CLIFF! REALLY REALLY FUCKING BIG CLIFF!   
CG: (I AM SORRY FOR CURSING I KNOW THAT IS A BAD WORD BUT I AM JUST REALLY UPSET RIGHT NOW!!!)   
TT: Okay, I will try to talk them down to the best of my ability. However, these chat clients have only ever worked in a singular direction: sender-receiver.   
TT: I need either you, or someone with sufficient technical expertise, to patch me into your network so that I may contact them.   
CG: OKAY OKAY OKAY!!!   
CG: SOLLUX!!!!   
CG: OOPS I NEED TO SIGN OUT  
CG: WRONG WINDOW  
CG: IGNORE ME!!!!!!!!!!   
carcinoGeneticist [CG] has logged off.   
Alert: new network detected. Connect? Y/N  
TT: Yes.   
HeY DO YOU LIEK NOOOOOK?? ;) GROW YOUR BULGE 8 INCHES TODAY!   
REFINANCE YOUR HIVE TODAY INTEREST RATES ARE SO LOW THE BANKER’S ABOUT TO GET CULLED!!!!   
easy ofworld trlols want to pale with YOU! wach tranzplnaet webcam noww!!   
TT: What on earth...?   
admin twinArmageddons [TA] has logged on.  
TA: iim 2orry, mii22, weve been haviing viiru2 problem2 of late.   
TA: you may want two run antii-viiru2 when youre done here.   
TA: or better yet, 2et your computer on fiire and go out2iide! get fre2h aiir away from demoniic machiine2!   
CG: NOBODY CARES SOLLUX!   
CG: I’M SORRY, BUT IT’S TRUE! JUST GET ROSE ONLINE! QUICKQUICKQUICK!!!   
TA: fiine, whatever.   
admin twinArmageddons [TA]  has logged off.   
You are now connected to MONOCHROME MAU2OLEUM MALL  
apocalypseArisen [AA] is currently online.   
gallowsCalibrator [GC] is currently online.   
carcinoGeneticist [CG] is currently online.   
You are currently online.   
TT: I am online, Karkat! Are these the ones you spoke of?   
CG: YES ROSE PLEASE HELP!   
GC: *2N1FF*  
GC: BOOHOOHOOHOO  
GC: ><:[  
AA: 0h l00k it’s the purple human  
AA: hell0 purple human  
AA: isnt this a bad day?   
AA: theyre all bad days  
AA: the bad days never st0p  
AA: ever  
TT: I am given to understand that you two are currently contemplating suicide. Tell me: what led you to consider this to be an effective option?   
AA: is everything an acceptable resp0nse  
AA: because that is what i am g0ing t0 g0 with  
GC: *2N1FF*  
GC: 1 THOU6HT HUMAN2 COULDN’T ACCE22 TROLL1AN.   
GC: HOW D1D YOU 6ET HERE?   
CG: SOLLUX AND ME LET HER IN SO SHE COULD HELP  
CG: BECAUSE WE DON’T WANT YOU GUYS TO DIE  
CG: YOU ARE BOTH PRETTY COOL AND AWESOME AND I WOULD BE REALLY SAD IF YOU DIED!!!!!   
AA: c00l and awes0me  
AA: terezi precisely h0w dumb is your friend  
AA: i mean w0w  
AA: it takes a special kind of stupidity t0 n0t rec0gnize the yawning black abyss of disapp0intment that is 0ur universe  
AA: and her universe  
AA: basically all universes really  
GC: HE’2 NOT DUMB! >:[  
GC: HE’2 JU2T TOO N1CE FOR H12 OWN 6OOD.   
CG: OKAY THANK YOU FOR THAT TEREZI  
CG: BUT I WOULD REALLY LIKE IT IF YOU COULD COME DOWN HERE  
CG: OOPS  
CG: I MEAN COME DOWN HERE THE SLOW WAY!!!!   
CG: NO JUMPING!   
AA: didnt y0u get the mem0  
AA: we didnt c0me up here t0 jump  
CG: PHEW!   
AA: we came up here t0 hang  
CG: NOT PHEW! NOT PHEW!!!!! D:B   
TT: You haven’t answered my question.   
TT: Why are you two doing this?   
TT: You must be aware that you’d be hurting your friends, as well as yourselves.   
AA: everything hurts  
AA: life is pain  
AA: hence death=release fr0m pain  
AA: duuuuuh  
TT: That is a very negative perspective to have on life.   
AA: c0ngratulati0ns y0u have unl0cked the duh: deluxe editi0n  
AA: duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh  
AA: achievement unl0cked: captain 0bvi0us  
TT: I’ll just let you calm down for a second. GC, I haven’t heard much from you. Why are you trying to end your life?   
GC: YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT’2 6O1N6 ON YET, DO YOU? 1T’2 TOO EARLY 1N YOUR T1MEL1NE.   
TT: I should point out that I still don’t entirely believe in your assertions of alien origin.   
GC: EXACTLY. YOU DON’T KNOW ABOUT THE 6AME YET. YOU DON’T KNOW HOW YOU AND YOUR FR1END2 HAVE K1LLED U2 ALL.   
GC: 1’VE CRUNCHED THE NUMBER2. 1’VE MEMOR1ZED ALL THE 2TAT2 TO TH12 GAME, 1’VE LOOKED AT EVERY CONCE1VABLE AN6LE. THE DEMON YOU 2ET ON U2 12 TOO POWERFUL. THERE 12 NOTH1N6 TO BE DONE.   
GC: WE’RE DEAD.   
GC: AND 1’D RATHER D1E ON MY OWN TERMS THAN L1VE THROU6H WHAT THAT MON2TER W1LL DO TO ME.   
CG: BUT YOU DON’T KNOW FOR SURE THAT WE CAN’T BEAT HIM!!!   
CG: THERE’S STILL A CHANCE!   
GC: 1T’2 AN A2TRONOM1CALLY 2MALL CHANCE, KARKAT!   
GC: AND LUCK 12 2ELDOM ON OUR 21DE.   
GC: *2N1FF*  
CG: ):B  
TT: You seem to place a lot of confidence on your calculations and statistics.   
TT: Surely you must acknowledge that statistics are often fallible? You must know that there are margins of error; that trends do not necessarily always continue ad infinitum?   
TT: Basing your decision to end your life on a game’s statistics does not seem wise to me. You?   
GC: 1 KNOW WHAT YOU’RE TRY1N6 TO DO.   
GC: AND 1 APPREC1ATE 1T.   
GC: BUT YOU’RE OUT OF YOUR DEPTH HERE.   
GC: 1’VE 2TUD1ED 2TAT12T1C2 ALL OF MY L1FE.   
GC: EVER 21NCE 1 WA2 A 6RUB, 1’VE KNOWN THAT EVERYONE HA2 LUCK, BAD AND 6OOD.   
GC: TO BE FRANK, THE NUMBER2 2AY “BAD” MORE OFTEN THAN NOT.   
GC: 1 KNOW WHAT 1’M TALK1NG ABOUT.   
GC: AND YOU’RE FEED1NG ME U2ELE22 PLAT1TUDE2 THAT YOU KNOW DAMN WELL HAVE NO BA212 1N REAL1TY WHAT2OEVER.   
AA: listen t0 her  
AA: y0u cann0t h0pe t0 beat terezi pyr0pe in a numbers-0ff  
AA: she is simply the best there is  
CG: ARADIA’S GOT A POINT ROSE.   
CG: TEREZI’S REALLY SMART ABOUT NUMBERS.   
TT: You’re not helping right now, Karkat.   
CG: ):B  
AA: 0kay little miss phallic-symb0ls-everywhere crashed and burned  
AA: lets get a m0ve 0n  
AA: hand me that r0pe  
CG: D:B  
TT: Please, just think about this for a moment.   
CG: NO TEREZI! DON’T LEAVE ME! YOU’RE TOO NICE AND I’D FEEL SO BAD  
CG: AND NOBODY’S AS NICE TO ME AS YOU ARE! NOT EVEN VRISKA!   
GC: KARKAT, 1’M 2ORRY. 1 DON’T WANT TO 2T1CK AROUND AND HEAR EVERYONE D1E AROUND ME WHEN NO1R F1NALLY 2HOW2 UP.   
GC: LEA2T OF ALL YOU. ><:[   
CG: PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME ALL ALONE.   
AA: y0u kn0w we have plenty 0f r0pe up here  
AA: we c0uld take y0u with us karkat  
AA: y0u d0n’t have t0 be al0ne  
GC: ARAD1A! >:O  
AA: just a th0ught  
CG: ROSE I’M SO SCARED! DO SOMETHING!!!!!   
TT: They have to come down by themselves. I couldn’t force them off even were I actually present.   
TT: However, I strongly urge the both of you to reconsider.   
GC: ARAD1A, THAT 12 ENT1RELY TOO MUCH ROPE. 1F YOU KEEP THE NOO2E THAT LEN6TH, TH1N62...   
GC: TH1N62 W1LL 6O WRON6.   
AA: d0 y0u want to make sure we die 0r d0 y0u want to hang ar0und strangling  
AA: its better t0 be safe than s0rry  
AA: well 0k that was a bad ch0ice 0f w0rds since we are TRYING to die  
AA: which isnt safe at all really  
AA: but what im saying is that well be dead either way  
AA: if we keep it t00 sh0rt we might breathe l0ng en0ugh f0r y0ur weird little b0yfriend to try and save us  
AA: and i am n0t sticking ar0und on this plane of existence f0r a sec0nd l0nger than i have t0  
GC: 1 GUE22 THAT MAKE2 2EN2E...   
GC: 1’M JU2T...2QUEAM12H. >X[  
cuttlefishCuller [CC] has logged on.  
CC: YOU S)(OULD B-E! 38)   
CG: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA  
CC: Yes, )(ello to you too, you CUT-E LITTL-E FR-EAK!   
CC: Aradia, do you know w)(ic)( p)(enomenon Terezi is referring to?   
CC: It is fascinating, and I t)(ink t)(at you would be quite interested to learn about it!   
AA: ugh  
AA: yes i kn0w what she’s talking ab0ut  
AA: y0u d0n’t have t0 explain  
CC: But does poor, foolish Karkat know?   
CC: Per)(aps I s)(ould explain it for )(is benefit... 38)   
GC: 2HUT YOUR 2T1NK1N6 TRAP, PE1XE2.   
CG: TEREZI, WHAT IS FEFERI SAYING?   
TT: I don’t think I’ve talked to you before, but I can already tell that you’re going to cause trouble. I advise that you abscond and leave us undisturbed.   
CC: Well, I've never talked to YOU eit)(er, and yet I can already tell t)(at you're an uppity little sack of goo w)(o doesn't know )(er place on t)(e food c)(ain. 38P.   
CC: Now, Karkat, let me explain w)(at your flus)(-crus)( wants to do to )(erself so s)(e can G-ET AWAY FROM YOU!!!   
TT: Be quiet.   
CC: IGNORING YOU!!!   
CC: You sea, w)(en a rope is TOO SLACK, a falling body attac)(ed to said rope will find itself...s)(orter t)(an usual.   
CC: T)(e S)(-E-ER FORC-E of t)(e drop, followed by a SUDD-EN STOP, will often rip t)(e victim's )(ead off quite messily! 38D  
CC: Am I knot correct, Terezi?   
GC: ...YEAH, THAT’2 R16HT.   
CG: MEEP. ):>B  
AA: y0u kn0w feferi s0metimes i wish i c0uld be half the death w0rshipper y0u are  
AA: but then id hate myself even m0re than i d0 n0w  
AA: y0u sh0uld c0nsider d0ing parad0x space a fav0r and j0ining us  
CC: Don't INT-ERRUPT M-E w)(ile I am educating t)(is clueless little grub.   
AA: whatever  
CC: Now, w)(ere was I??? O)( Y-EA)(!!   
CC: Now, w)(at's reely curious, I t)(ink, is t)(e question of w)(et)(er t)(e )(ead would retain conchsciousness.   
CC: After all, )(anging was invented by W)(INY LITTL-E BITC)(-ES w)(o wanted a quick )(UMAN-E deat)(, courtesea of t)(e s)(ock from )(aving one's neck instantly snapped.   
CC: Yet t)(e gillotine tends to leave victims blinking and gasping for about 30 seconds!   
CC: Sadly, t)(ere are t)(eories t)(at t)(e victim loses consciousness at t)(e moment of severance, and t)(at post decapitation movement is merely t)(e result of random nervous spasms. 38(  
CC: So we can use t)(is opportunity for t)(e advancement of science!   
CC: Terezi, I'll catc)( your )(ead w)(en it falls, and I'll s)(ow it to Karkat!   
CC: We'll )(ave )(im read your lips to sea if you say  
CC: “PLEA2E FOR61VE ME, KARKAT.”   
CC: “PLEA2E, 6OD, K1LL ME, KARKAT.”   
CG: STOP IT.   
CC: “1T HURT2”   
CC: “1T HURT2 2O BAD”   
CG: STOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPIT  
TT: Clearly, I have developed precognition, because you have done nothing but agitate everyone involved in this discussion. Get off this network before I have you banned.   
CC: Excuse me?   
CC: )(e)(.   
CC: I DON'T T)(INK YOU G-ET W)(O YOU'R-E TALKING TO, YOU FAT PINK )(ORNL-ESS W)(OR-E.   
CC: I AM T)(-E -EMPR-ESS.   
CC: I OWN T)(IS SP-ECI-ES.   
CC: I CAN DO W)(AT-EV-ER I WANT WIT)( T)(-ES-E SACKS OF S)(IT.   
TT: That’s it. I’m calling the admin. Enjoy your one-way journey to the quiet valley hamlet of Bantown.   
CC: A)(A)(A)(A)(A)(A)(A)(A)(A)(A  
CC: Oo)(, I'm sorry!   
CC: I t)(oug)(t you must've been S-ERIOUS for a minute!!   
CC: So I took you S-ERIOUSLY!!!   
CC: But CL-EARLY you must've been yanking my line if you t)(ink t)(at t)(at saucy mustardblood boytoy )(as t)(e s)(ame globes to ban me.   
CC: Trolls exist to serve me, dearie!!   
CC: If one disobeyed me, I’d )(ave to assume t)(at )(e's broken.   
CC: And t)(en I'd )(ave to LOOK INSID-E )(IM AND S-E-E W)(AT WAS WRONG WIT)( )(IM.   
CC: )(INT FUCKING )(INT.   
CC: So, I t)(ink I'll stay rig)(t )(ere, and watc)( t)(e s)(ow. 38)   
cuttlefishCuller [CC] has been banned.   
TT: Ha.   
admin twinArmageddons [TA] has logged on.  
TA: plea2e forgiive me, Hiighne22! thii2 ii2 for your own wellbeiing!  
new user kuttlefishKuller [KK] has logged on.  
KK: W)(AT T)(-E FUCKING FUCK  
KK: SOLLUX YOU PI-EC-E OF GOLDFIS)( S)(IT  
TA: um.   
kuttlefishKuller [KK] has been banned.  
AA: i have t0 admit  
AA: i will miss y0u s0llux  
AA: but if y0u keeps pissing peixes 0ff  
AA: i figure y0u’ll be j0ining us s00n en0ugh  
new user cutlefishCuler [CC] has logged on.  
CC: YOU MOT)(-ERGRUBFUCKING TR-EAC)(-EROUS PISS BLOOD  
CC: I'LL BIT-E YOUR DICKS OFF  
cutlefishCuler [CC] has been banned.   
TA: how wiill ii ever liive wiith my2elf?   
admin twinArmageddons has logged off.  
arsenicCatnip [AC] has logged on.   
AC: >:33 < Alright!   
AC: >:33 < Queen bitch is screaming and throwing her shit around next door!   
AC: >t:33 < I can’t even hear my own goddamn ampyiffier over this!   
AC: >:33 < Which one of you fucking shith33ls pissed her off this time?   
TT: I’m sorry, but I’m holding an intervention. If you can’t contribute anything, please leave so that we can talk in peace.   
AC: >:OO < Who’s this bitch?!   
CG: THIS IS ROSE, NEPETA! SHE IS NICE AND SMART AND FUNNY AND SHE’S HELPING US!   
AC: >:[[ < *grr*  
CG: SHE IS REALLY AMAZING.   
AC: >:[[ < *GRRRRRRRRRR*  
CG: WE’RE HAVING A CHAT WITH ARADIA AND TEREZI RIGHT NOW! WE’RE TRYING TO SAVE THEM!   
AC: >X[[ < The blind girl? And the fucking suicide girl too?!?   
GC: 1 HAVE A NAME, YOU KNOW.   
AC: >:33 < Hussy, if I give a FUCK about your name, I’ll go back in time,   
AC: >:33 < Fuck your lusus,   
AC: >:OO < And name you “My Bitch!”   
GC: ...THAT DOE2N’T EVEN MAKE 2EN2E.   
AC: >XOO < FUCK YOUR FUCKING SENSE.   
AC: >:OO < Why don’t you go jump off a bridge and get out of my fucking life?!   
GC: ><:[   
CG: ):B   
TT: That...was not the best thing to say right now.   
AC: >:33 < I don’t recall asking for your fucking opinion.   
TT: How self-centered are you? Your friends are thinking about ending their lives, and you belittle them and complain about your problems.   
AC: :33 < ...Run that by me again?   
TT: We’re trying to talk Aradia and Terezi out of hanging themselves. You’ve managed to simultaneously make an ass out of yourself, and destroy what little progress we’ve made during this Kafkaesque showcase of madness, all in about 30 seconds.   
TT: Brava.   
TT: Nepeta is best troll. Clearly.   
AC: :33 < Suicide??   
AC: :33 < *ac takes a d33p breath to collect herself*  
AC: :33 < ...   
AC: .XOO < FUCK BOTH OF YOU  
AC: ><:oo < *gc: oh boo hoo l1fe 1s hard 1’ma make a 2hitty l1ttle p1nata out of myself*  
AC: :|| < *aa: yes let me j0in y0u it is not as th0ugh ive been making threats like this all sessi0n f0r fucking attenti0n this time ill really d0 it y0u guys*  
AC: >:OO < Eat a fucking bulge!   
AC: >:33 < Efurrybody else hates it on this fucking rock!   
AC: >:33 < You know what we do? We grit our fangs, and live with it. Know what we don’t do?   
AC: >:OO < ACT LIKE FUCKING PUSSIES  
AA: ill have y0u kn0w that i have never faked a suicide threat  
AA: things just  
AA: keep g0ing wr0ng  
AC: >:33 < Oh, this’ll be rich.   
AA: i just d0n’t kn0w whats g0ing wr0ng  
AA: i keep screwing up  
AA: my raz0rs are always dull  
AA: my p0is0n is always watered d0wn  
AA: ive tried death via self-flagellati0n but my whip br0ke because it is a stupid m0vie pr0p  
AA: then i tried beating myself t0 death  
AA: but i kept falling unc0nsci0us from punching myself in the face  
AA: c0uldnt finish the j0b  
AA: i think the 0nly thing keeping me alive is this stupid alpha timeline  
AA: that must be it  
AA: in a milli0n 0ther timelines ive t0tally pulled this 0ff i swear  
AC: >:33 < Excuses, excuses!   
TT: Sweet Jesus, this thread.   
AC: >:33 < What about us, you self-pitying sacks of shit?   
AC: >:33 < The group n33ds to stick together, if only for survival’s sake!   
AC: >:33 < But I guess you just don’t care.   
AC: >:33 < I guess you two think you can just let your corpses fall 30 stories and make a big, splattery mess, so that everybody who wasn’t enough of a shithead to off themselves has to clean up the mess you’ll make?   
AC: >:OO < Eat my olive nook, you selfish asswipes!   
AA: y0u c0ntinue to be a s0urce 0f inspirati0n with y0ur stirring 0ratory, nepeta  
AC: >://t  
AC: :00 < Oh, I’m sorry, can you not s33 that? Look closer.   
AC: t>:33t < BOOM! Double deuces! Take ‘em!   
CG: NEPETA, I KNOW THAT YELLING IS YOUR THING AND JUNK.   
CG: BUT COULD YOU PLEASE NOT YELL AT MY FRIENDS? JUST THIS ONCE?   
CG: IT IS KIND OF AN EMERGENCY.   
AC: >:33 < Furriends? Is THAT what they’re calling it now?   
CG: UM.   
CG: YES?   
CG: THAT IS WHAT YOU CALL PEOPLE YOU CARE ABOUT A WHOLE BUNCH.   
AC: ]:33 < ...I s33.   
AC: ^^: < Well, pail me sideways and call me Condesce! Guess I’d better update the old Expletive Encyclopedia!   
AC: :33 < *Furriend, noun; synonymous with slut, hussy, whore, gold digger*   
CG: I DON’T UNDERSTAND WHAT ANY OF THOSE MEAN.   
GC: OH NO. OH 6OD NO, 2HE’2 DO1N6 1T A6A1N.   
AA: thats it  
AA: fuck the n00se  
AA: g0nna jump  
TT: Don’t!   
TT: Please just tell me what in blazes is going on!   
AA: just watch  
AC: >:33 < You thr33 PLANNED this, didn’t you?   
AC: >:33 < You never planned on killing yourselves at all!   
AC: >:33 < You CONSPIRED together, and you decided to manipulate poor Karkat into developing f33lings for you!   
AC: >:33 < By faking suicidal intentions, you two would make him pity you, while Rose would receive Karkat’s gratitude for “saving” the others!   
AC: :33 < *Zero points for originality, btw! That’s one of the oldest cons in the book!*   
AC: >:33 < If one of you couldn’t have him,   
AC: :33 < *cough* Terezi  
AC: >:33 < then you’d SHARE him in some sick, twisted coven!   
AC: >:33 < Look, here, “Rose”, assuming that IS your real name, and not some human stripper alias:   
AC: >:33 < Back off.   
AC: >:33 < Karkat’s a good kid, but he’s too nyaive to know a user when he sees one.   
AC: >:33 < I have to watch out for him, and make sure assholes like YOU don’t take advantage of him.   
CG: I AM NOT NYAIVE, WHATEVER THAT IS.   
AC: :33 < It’s a cat pun, hon. It’s my thing.   
CG: OH.   
TT: Oh, God, is this really happening?   
TT: Are you really accusing me of what I think you are?   
GC: 2HE 12. 2HE’2 PARANO1D, DOE2 TH12 TO ANYTH1N6 W1TH A REPRODUCT1VE 2Y2TEM.   
AA: it is 0ne of the few true j0ys 0f life  
AA: the running of the delusi0nal metalhead catgirl  
AA: i mean as l0ng as its n0t happening t0 y0u  
AA: i think this is like my seventh time 0n her shit list  
AC: >:33 < Shut up, all of you! You three are playing this poor boy for sympawthy, with your woe-is-me suicide threats, and your BLUH BLUH PSYCHOLOGY bullshit!   
CG: WHAT IS HAPPENING?   
CG: I SUDDENLY DON’T UNDERSTAND ANYTHING.   
AC: >:33 <Here’s an ultimatum for all of you: if I catch you trying to “furriend” Karkat,   
AC: >:00 < I will FIND YOU  
AC: >:00 < And I will “furriend” you RIGHT UP THE WASTE CHUTE!   
AC: >:// < Or whatever it is you humans have.   
TT: Sure! Fine! Whatever! If you’re done lashing out at everyone to ease your own insecurities, please leave us to our business.   
CG: HELLO? WHY ARE WE ARGUING???   
AC: >:33 < Oh, hell no! I don’t trust any of yowl around Karkat.   
AA: if y0u will just g0 away already y0u w0n’t even have t0 w0rry ab0ut terezi and i  
GC: PLEA2E! LET ME D1E 1N P1ECE AND YOU THEN YOU CAN MOVE ON AND START HARRA221N6 2OMEBODY EL2E FOR NO 6ODDAMN REA2ON! HELL, WHY NOT VR12KA?! BECAU2E THAT MAKE2 2EN2E, R16HT?   
AC: :oo < Vriskers is in on this, too?!?   
GC: WHAT? NO!   
AC: :33 < But that’s a TERRIBLE SHIP.   
AC: :33 < It makes no damn sense whatsoever.   
AC: :oo < ...Which is EXACTLY WHAT SHE INTENDED.   
AC: :oo < That’s why it never even occurred to me!   
AC: >:33 < That ingenious bitch!   
GC: THAT WA2 2ARCA2M! 2ARCA2M! THERE 12 NO WAY YOU ARE 1N2ANE ENOU6H TO TAKE THAT 2ER1OU2LY!   
AC: >:33 < Well NOW, you’re obviously just covering for her!   
GC: NO. NO NO NO. YOU ARE NOT TH12 DUMB. YOU CANNOT BE 2O DELUDED THAT YOU TH1NK VR12KA IS 6O1N6 TO...NO. FUCK NO!   
AC: >:33 < Obviously, her meek demeowner was just an elaborate ruse to try and k33p my guard down!   
CG: WHY IS EVERYONE ARGUING???   
GC: ><:[ RO2E: PLEA2E. YOU 2EE WHAT 1 HAVE TO DEAL W1TH. STOP TRY1N6 TO TALK ME OUT OF TH12.   
TT: I am seriously considering redefining your case as euthanasia.   
CG: LOUD NOISES  
arachnidsGrip [AG] has logged on.  
CG: HI VRISKA, APPARENTLY YOU ARE MAKING PLANS I GUESS???   
AC: >:33 < The temptress reveals herself!!!   
AG: ::::(   
AG: Nepeta please don’t 8e mad  
AG: i would never do that to you  
AG: why would Karkat even 8e interested in me like that  
AG: why would any8ody  
AC: >:33 < You can drop the act already, Vris! I already figured out your little game.   
TT: Vriska? That’s your name, right? Listen: By addressing her accusations, you’re only validating them and fueling her paranoid ranting.   
AC: >:OO < Stay out of this!   
AG: 8ut she’s my friend  
AG: and i don’t want her to think i’d do something that terri8le  
TT: I’ve dealt with Nepeta’s type before.   
AC: >:33 < My TYPE?!   
TT: I mean, my past case studies were never quite as obviously pathological as her, but I believe that her baleful gaze is a fickle and temporal phenomenon. She’ll move past her delusions in due time if we leave her be. However, the longer you stay at the forefront of her attention, the longer she’ll suspect you, and the harder it will be to mend fences once her psychosis subsides.   
AC: >:33 < Psychosis?!   
TT: Honestly, it might be best if you left so that she can cool down, and so I can try and counsel your friends.   
TT: You know, as Karkat requested of me.   
TT: As opposed to dealing this ever-increasing pile of horseshit.   
AG: i’m sorry  
AG: i don’t want to 8e a 8urden  
TT: What? No!   
TT: No, I meant that I have to concentrate right now and I don’t need her anymore agitated than she already is.   
TT: You’re not being a burden.   
AC: >:33 < Actually, you know what? Shrink girl had it right the first time around.   
AC: >:33 < Get off of this channel, and maybe I won’t f33l like coming down to that hole of a room you live in and kicking your trashy, double-dealing ass, Serket.   
AC: >:33 < Maybe.   
GC: NEPETA! >:o   
CG: WHY WOULD YOU EVEN DO THAT??? o:B  
AG: ok  
AG: i’m sorry  
AG: i never me8nt to  
AG: i never  
AG: QQQQQQQQ  
arachnidsGrip [AG] has logged off.  
CG: AW, VRISKA. ):B   
TT: Congratulations, Nepeta. You just totaled her apparently-quite-abysmal self-esteem.   
TT: Whenever you come to your senses, I suggest you apologize.   
TT: I’ve contacted the admin, so you’ll soon have time to think about things offline.   
GC: LE1JON.   
GC: SOMEDAY, YOU’RE 6O1N6 TO P122 OFF SOMEONE 1MPORTANT TO YOU, BUT THEY WON’T TAKE ANY MORE APOLO61E2.   
GC: 1 ONLY HOPE THAT 1 CAN SEE THAT DAY FROM BEYOND THE 6RAVE.   
AC: >:33 < Why are you all ganging up on me? She was so stricken with guilt that she apologized. No cause for guilt, no need to apologize: case closed.   
AC: ::::33 < *8ut she’s my friend*  
AC: >:33 < My ass.   
AA: vriska has always been nice t0 y0u y0u idi0t  
AA: she’s nice t0 every0ne  
AC: >:33 < Bullshit! She stole my guitar once!   
AA: y0u mean y0ur shitty br0ken guitar that s0unds like a r0b0t experiencing vi0lent diarrhea  
AC: >:33t < Fuck you, my guitar is amazing. That was a one-time glitch.   
GC: NO, YOUR 2TUP1D 6U1TAR 2OUNDED L1KE A22, AND 1T WOULD HAVE CONT1NUED TO 2OUND L1KE A22, WERE 1T NOT FOR THE FACT THAT VR12KA A2KED EQU1U2 TO F1X 1T.   
AC: :33 < ...what.   
GC: VR12KA KNEW WHAT EVERYBODY KNEW: YOUR 2H1TTY 6U1TAR WA2N’T 6O1N6 TO FIX IT2ELF, AND ONLY EQU1U2 COULD F1X 1T.   
GC: 2HE AL2O KNEW THAT EQU1U2 HATE2 YOUR 6UT2,   
GC: WH1CH, 1 2HOULD PO1NT OUT, 12 LAR6ELY BECAU2E YOU KEEP DR1V1N6 EVERYONE CRAZY W1TH TH12 2H1T.   
GC: AND WHEN YOU ME22 W1TH THE 6ROUP, YOU 2ET OFF H12 WE1RD LU2U2 COMPLEX.   
AC: :33 < You’re lying, I know it.   
AA: g0d  
AA: every0ne kn0ws ab0ut this except y0u  
AA: y0u are the w0rst c0nspiracy the0rist  
AA: ever  
AA: just ask ar0und  
AA: 0r better yet just think f0r 0ne fucking sec0nd  
AC: >:33 < !   
AC: :33 < ...   
AC: :33 < ...I just fucked up badly, didn’t I?   
TT: Yes.   
AA: yes  
GC: YE2.   
CG: KIND OF.   
AC: :33 < Even you’re disappointed in me, Karkat?   
CG: I STILL LIKE YOU NEPETA.   
CG: BUT I LIKE EVERYONE ELSE TOO.   
CG: AND YOU KEEP GETTING MAD AT THEM FOR NO REASON.   
AC: :33 < Oh...   
AC: :33 < Well  
AC: :33 < *ac swallows her pride and slumps her shoulders*  
AC: :33 < Okay. I’ll try and apologize to Vriska.   
AC: :// < And you douchebags, I guess.   
AC: :33 < So I guess you are really serious, then?   
AC: :33 < If that’s the case, I stand by my earlier statement: you guys should think about the group and come down.   
AC: :33 < And if it’ll help make things up, I want to try and help you guys down.   
TT: As refreshing as it is to not hear you screaming, I’d prefer it if you could just sign off and apologize to Vriska. You seem to have a temper problem, and we don’t need you exploding in the middle of a delicate situation AGAIN.   
AC: :33 < What? No way, the old me from five minutes ago? Fuck her, that bitch is totally over with. I’ll be the nicest fucking catgirl you ever saw! I swear!   
AC: :33 < Just give me a chance.   
TT: The needs of the afflicted come first. I’m sorry, but no.   
GC: ACTUALLY, 1’M OK W1TH HER 2TAY1N6.   
AA: what n0 way man  
GC: C’MON, NEPETA TRY1N6 NOT TO BE A DOUCHE? THAT 2OUND2 ENTERTA1N1N6.   
GC: 1’D L1VE TO 2EE THAT.   
AA: huh  
AA: 0k when y0u put it that way that makes sense  
AC: ]:33 < Man, you guys are dicks.   
TT: Fine. I don’t know what’s taking your admin so long to ban you, but I publically reverse my earlier decision to do so. Just don’t start another shitstorm, or else, I’ll have you put in the corner with Miss Entitlement Complex.   
AC: :33 < Okay, I’m going to try and say this very calmly and respectfurry:   
AC: :33 < Don’t you EVER lump me in with that tuna smelling piece of shit.   
AC: :33 < I know that I can be irritating sometimes, but THAT BITCH???   
AC: :33 < That bitch has gotten people killed.   
arsenicCatnip [AC] has been banned.   
TT: Huh?   
admin twinArmageddons [TA] has logged on.  
TA: howdy yall.   
TA: my 2iincere2t apologiie2 for the late ban.   
TA: iit appear2 yall got a 2creenful of bla2phemy agaiin2t the Conde2ce duriing my ab2ence.   
TA: however ii wa2 forced two abandon my own computer iin 2earch of 2helter.   
TA: currently hiidiing iin the 2torm cellar.   
CG: WHAT DO YOU MEAN? THERE AREN’T ANY STORMS IN SPACE.   
TA: okay that riight there ii2 what we call a metaphor, 2on.   
TA: by 2torm ii mean "vengeful Godde22 of death 2talkiing me throughout the a2teroiid."   
TA: and by cellar ii mean "undii2clo2ed locatiion from whiich ii am currently typiing."   
CG: OH, OKAY, THAT MAKES SENSE.   
TT: It’s Sollux, right?   
TA: *tiip2 hat* That2 correct, maam.   
TT: I guess you must have missed my messages, but we’ve decided to keep Nepeta online for a trial basis. If you could unban her briefly, that would be excellent.   
TA: what?   
TA: aw 2huck2.   
TA: where2 the confounded unban button on thii2 deviil box.   
TA: whyd you guys even make me run the2e iidiiotiic contraptiion2??   
TA: ii hate the2e thiing2.   
TA: and anyway2 equiiu2 can liick me iin term2 of actual experiience.   
arsenicCatnip [AC] has been unbanned.  
AC: >:33 < Yeah, remind me again why this hick is running our lives?   
AA: he’s 0ur 0nly 0ther 0pti0n n0w  
AA: when we g0t here gamzee made the mistake 0f 0rdering equius t0 get the c0mputers running  
GC: OH, R16HT. AND THAT 2ET OFF H12 WHOLE “FUCK YOU, 1 WON’T DO WHAT YOU TELL ME” TH1N6.   
AC: :33 < Yeah, Gamz33 has that effect on him. Me too, to be honest.   
TA: you ju2t alway2 had two be a paiir of con2arned rabble rou2er2.   
TA: the hiighblood2 know be2t, that2 what ii alway2 2ay.   
TA: but 2ome people thiink they know better than the natural order of thiing2, and 2o here we are.   
AC: :33 < For your information, the “natural order of things” is what makes Feferi think that she can ride you like a seahorse, whether you want to or not!   
TA: now that'2 diifferent. the Old Tome2 clearly 2tate that "Thou 2halt not paiil wiith a troll who2e blood ii2 more ba2e than thy own, nor 2halt thou cau2e a nobler troll to 2iin through you."   
TA: ya 2ee the diifference there?   
AC: >:33 < Yeah, except that Feferi has the highest blood in the hemospectrum and the only other troll with that shade WAS TRYING TO KILL HER!   
TA: what?   
AC: >:33 < So even if she wasn’t a total bitch, she’d still be up shit cr33k if she listened to your stupid books!   
TA: now there you go agiin! raii2iing rucku2 and cu22iing up a 2torm and bla2phemiing all the whiile!   
TA: 2ometiime2 ii wii2h iid pa22ed on duriing the Va2t Glub, that ii miight not 2ee 2uch dark and iimmoral days.   
AC: >:33 < Okay, Mr. Respectable. Why’d you even ban Feferi in the first place if you’re so obsessed with the “natural order of things”?   
TA: 2ometiime2 ii gue22 Her Maje2ty ju2t dont thiink, you know? the Old Tome2 2ay that the Conde2ce can only miingle wiith 2eadweller2 and hiighblood2.   
TA: but where 2he2 2tiill a youngun, 2he 2tiill thiink2 2he can ju2t miingle wiith pea2ant2 and other unaccountable riiff-raff.   
TA: only rea2on ii let Her talk 2o long a2 ii diid wa2 becau2e my gotdang computer 2creen 2uddenly fiilled up wiith a bunch of pop-em-up2.   
TA: 2pent liike 15 miinute2 cleariing them out before ii 2aw what happened.   
TA: but the Conde2ce2 mercy ii2 liike a 2weet fountaiin that 2priing2 up from the de2ert 2and2, 2o ii have no doubt that 2he wiill 2oon abandon Her pur2uiit and everythiing wiill be fiine agaiin.   
new user arachnidsCrip [AC] has logged on  
AC: )(ello t)(is is vriska and i would like to crawl out from my little fortress of roleplaying games and obnoxious 8ody odor just to say  
AC: Aradia and Terezi s)(ould totally krill t)(emselves  
AC: and so s)(ould Nepeta because s)(e is terrible  
AC: >:33 < Speak of the fucking devil!   
AC: >:33 < Find your own initials, Peixes! Now you’re just confusing everyone.   
AC: -EAT A BULG-E  
AC: also Sollux s)(ould think about suicide too  
AC: 8ecause w)(en Feferi finds )(im he will 8eg for deat)( before the end  
TA: eep.   
AC: ooh Feferi is so scary  
AC: yet also sexy  
AC: i want )(er to put on a pirate hat and pail me up against a mainmast  
AC: i wrote about it in the s)(itty journal that i keep in the false panel inside my room  
arachnidsCrip [AC] has been banned.  
TA: plea2e don’t even talk about 2uch thiing2, your Hiighne22!   
TA: oh god ii keep diigiing my2elf deeper. ii’ll be iin thii2 2tupiid rat hole forever!   
admin twinArmageddons [TA] has logged off.  
AC: >:33 < Oh, thank god. It was getting too crazy in here with some other bitch stealing my initials, let alone her masochistic acolyte sticking up for her every stupid move.   
AC: >:33 < Where the fuck is her meowrail, anyway?   
AC: >t:33 < Shouldn’t he be k33ping her in line?   
AC: >:33 < For that matter, where the fuck is our “Grand Highblood”?   
AC: >:33 < With you two trying to kill yourselves, shouldn’t he be here handling this?   
AC: >:33 < Hell, they’re probably both globes-deep in Kanaya right now.   
AC: >:33 < Assuming they aren’t having another stupid poetry slam.   
AC: >:33 < Oh, all hail the Grand Highblood!   
AC: >:33 < I’m sure that his stupid shitty poetry is more important than maintaining group cohesion!   
AC: >:33 < I am SO FUCKING HAPPY to serve under an elitist douchebag who loves to boss people around while performing zero actual leadership duties.  
AC: >:33 < Not.   
grimAuxiliatrix [GA] has logged on.  
GA: @AC Hoe  
AC: >:33 < Hello to you too, Kanaya.   
CG: HI KANAYA!   
grimAuxiliatrix [GA] has logged off.  
CG: BYE KANAYA!   
TT: My head is seriously about to explode.   
GC: DON’T WORRY, WE WON’T KEEP YOU MUCH LON6ER.   
GC: ARAD1A, WE’RE CLEARLY NEVER 6O1N6 TO 6ET ANYWHERE 1F WE KEEP TH12 2TUP1D MEMO 6O1N6.   
AA: agreed  
AA: lets d0 this bef0re anyb0dy else has a chance t0 talk 0ur ears 0ff  
arachnidsGrip [AG] has logged on.  
AA: 0h g0ddammit  
AG: this is the real vriska  
AG: i just read the 8eginning of this thread again and realized what it was a8out  
AG: ple8se don't do wh8t you're thinking of  
GC: VR12KA, PLEA2E. 1’M VERY T1RED AND 1’M READY TO HAN6 1T UP.   
AA: literally  
AA: ba-dum-tish  
AG: 8ut why can’t i help?   
AG: please, listen, just for two seconds  
AG: Terezi, you shouldn’t kill herself 8ecause we’re friends and we swore we’d stick together no matter what  
AG: and if you don’t die i will 8e there to try and help you feel 8etter  
AG: 8ecause that’s what friends do  
AG: i’ll 8e there for you if you’ll just stay here  
AG: if we get killed by that monster  
AG: at least we’ll die together  
GC: ><:]   
AG: and Aradia  
AG: Aradia shouldn’t kill herself 8ecause even though she’s sure that things will always 8e terrible eventually life has to 8ottom out and when that happens there is nowhere to go 8ut up right?   
AG: that’s just my opinion  
TT: Thank you, Vriska. That’s the first actual constructive thing that anybody has posted in this entire thread.   
AA: when we hit r0ck b0tt0m  
AA: life will invent diam0nd-tipped drills t0 pierce thr0ugh it  
AA: so i am pretty sure that things can in fact get w0rse  
AG: you don’t have to listen to me  
AG: i can’t make people’s decisions for them  
AG: you guys are all smarter than me and you know 8est  
AG: anyway i can’t watch this 8ecause i already feel sick just knowing you guys want to die  
AG: i can’t watch  
arachnidsGrip [AG] has logged off.  
arachnidsGrip [AG] has logged on.  
AG: also i do not have a false panel in my wall  
AG: and if i did i would not have a private journal of erotica in it  
AG: the erotica is also a foundless fa8rication  
CG: ALSO VRISKA USUALLY DOES NOT HAVE TERRIBLE BODY ODOR.   
AG: thank you Karkat  
AG: ........usually?   
CG: I AM JUST BEING HONEST, THIS ONE TIME, YOU REALLY REEKED  
CG: LIKE I THREW UP IN MY MOUTH THE SMELL WAS SO TERRIBLE  
CG: BUT I HAD TO SWALLOW IT TO NOT OFFEND YOU  
CG: BUT SWALLOWING IT WAS SO GROSS THAT I THREW IT ALL UP ANYWAY.   
CG: THAT WAS A BAD DAY TO HAVE A NOSE.   
AG: i remem8er  
AG: though i try not to  
AC: :33 < I was there, too. God, Vriska, what the hell where you doing that day, anyway?   
AG: well it is kind of a long story  
AG: 8nd i wo8ld r8ther not discuss it  
AG: 8ut the a8ridged version is  
AG: my M8m8 died earlier that d8y  
AC: :|| < ....ooh.   
AG: i  
AG: i tried re8lly h8rd to rest8rt her he8rt 8fter the meteor hit her  
AG: for a second it worked and i could see her look at me  
AG: i could see the h8ppiness in her eyes  
AG: then she 8it my arm off and she died 8g8in  
AG: as i was walking away to get a new arm from Equius  
AG: M8m8’s bowels dr8ined  
AG: g8llons  
AG: everywhere  
AG: 8ll over  
AC: :|| < What have I done.   
AC: :|| < How will I sl33p tonight.   
TT: Shush, you.   
AA: and y0ure telling us that life is w0rth living  
AG: yeah okay that was pretty 8ad  
AG: 8ut look on the 8right side  
AG: your M8m8 can only die in your arms and infect your bleeding arm stump with her last dying excrement once  
CG: THAT IS TRUE, VRISKA.   
CG: THE SECOND TIME SHE DIED IN YOUR ARMS SHE WAS A SPRITE  
CG: AND SPRITES DO NOT HAVE DIGESTIVE TRACTS!!!!   
TT: Um.   
AG: Karkat  
AG: i know i am not fit to correct people smarter than me (which includes yourself)   
AG: 8ut as constructive criticism:   
AG: please do not volunteer unsolicited personal information  
AG: Especi8lly when th8t inf8rm8tion involves 8nother person's lusus dying  
CG: OKAY, VRISKA, THAT IS GOOD ADVICE, THANK YOU!!!!!   
AG: yeah  
AG: i think i’m going to lay down in my room now  
AG: terezi if you do not kill yourself  
AG: please stop by my room  
AG: we 8oth need hugs right now i think  
GC: 1 CAN’T D12A6REE W1TH THAT A22E22MENT.   
GC: 1 TH1NK 1’M DONE UP HERE ANYWAY.   
AA: what seri0usly  
GC: YE2. 1 CAN’T 2AY 1’M FEEL1NG ANYMORE CONF1DENT ABOUT THE FUTURE, BUT 1’M LOOK1N6 AT TH12 TRAN2CR1PT. 1T MAKE2 ME TH1NK, “1 DON’T WANT TH12 1N2AN1TY TO BE THE RECORD OF MY LA2T L1V1N6 MOMENT2.”   
GC: BETTER LUCK NEXT T1ME, 1 6UE22.   
CG: SO YOU’RE GOING TO BE OKAY?   
GC: I 2TRON6LY DOUBT THAT ANY OF U2 W1LL BE OKAY 1N THE END, KARKAT.   
GC: BUT YEAH, 1’M 6ONNA BE OKAY, FOR TODAY, AT LEA2T.   
CG: YAY!   
AA: fine be like that  
AA: i always knew id die al0ne anyway  
GC: KARKAT? COULD YOU COME UP HERE AND HELP ME DOWN? MY NO2E 12 CLO66ED UP AND 1 CAN’T 2MELL.   
CG: OKAY, DEFINITELY, TEREZI!!!!   
GC: OH, AND KARKAT?   
CG: ???   
GC: <3  
TT: Oh fuck  
CG: (:B   
CG: <3  
gallowsCalibrator [GC] has logged off.  
TT: Oh god nrreath Nepeta  
TT: Count to 10!   
TT: *breathe Jesus.   
TT: I typed too fast.   
TT: I think that’s my first typo in 4 years.   
TT: God, my head hurts.   
TT: Nepeta?   
TT: Are you still there?   
AC: :DD < YES ROSE MY ASS IS STILL HERE AND I AM DOING FUCKING GREAT!!!"  
AC: :DD < LOOK AT MY GIANT GODDAMN SHIT EATING GRIN AND S33 HOW FUCKING GREAT I AM!   
CG: I AM SO GLAD YOU AREN’T MAD ANYMORE, NEPETA! WHAT’S MAKING YOU SO HAPPY???   
AC: :DD < GOD  
AC: :OO < DAMN  
AC: :oo < FUCKING  
AC: XOO < EVERYTHING   
arsenicCatnip's [AC] computer has exploded.   
CG: THAT IS SO GREAT.   
CG: I’M SO HAPPY FOR HER.   
CG: LISTEN, I HAVE TO GO GET TEREZI, SO I HAVE TO PUT THIS DOWN NOW, OKAY?   
CG: BYE!   
carcinoGeneticist [CG] has logged off.  
TT: I can’t take this for much longer.   
TT: Well, at least one half of our problem is solved. I guess.   
AG: that’s right, Rose, just look on the 8right side TT: Listen, Vriska, you should contact me.   
TT: If you should ever want to talk, that is.   
AG: oh  
AG: not that i want to disagree with you, 8ut i really don’t think i should  
AG: you only have so long 8efore the game 8egins Rose and once it does, you can never come 8ack  
AG: and i don’t want you to waste your time on me  
TT: Nonsense. I live in the middle of nowhere anyway; the only people I can talk with are my drunkard mother, my dead cat, and my three internet friends whom I have never met. I have plenty of time to talk with you. Don’t think of yourself as a burden.   
AG: ok, if you say so  
AG: you know 8est, not me  
TT: That’s not an order, Vriska, merely a suggestion.   
TT: You can decide for yourself.   
AG: um  
AG: i don’t know a8out that  
AG: but i guess if you don’t want me to be o8ligated to talk to you  
AG: then maybe i could dilly dally for a 8it and then follow your advice?   
AG: ????????   
AG:8ye   
arachnidsGrip [AG] has logged off.  
AA: 0k en0ugh h0rseshit  
AA: i’m d0ing this by myself  
AA: my partner has aband0ned me t0 live life  
AA: n0b0dy else is even reading this mem0  
AA: and s0 i shall die al0ne  
AA: h0w predictable  
TT: Aradia, I am honestly running out of steam here.   
TT: I’ll only say one thing more: think of the happiest thing that’s ever happened to you. Think of how old you were when that happened. Had you died before then, you would have never experienced that moment. What if an even happier moment is just off the horizon? Don’t you want to stick around and see it?   
AA: huh  
AA: n0w that y0u think 0f it  
AA: when i was very y0ung   
AA: maybe just a wiggler  
AA: i remember smiling  
AA: th0ugh i never have since  
TT: What happened, Aradia? What made you smile?   
AA: i had just w0ken up  
AA: i had dreamt that i was being carved up and eaten by cannibals  
AA: it was amazing  
TT: Oh, for fuck’s sake.   
AA: g00dbye cruel w0rld  
AA: you suck and i hate y0u  
AA: and n0w i will shed this stupid quirk  
AA: and with these w0rds i die  
AA: “Since the day of my birth, my death began its walk. It is walking towards me, without hurrying.”   
apocalypseArisen [AA] has logged off.  
TT: Aradia?   
TT: Oh God, what’s happening?   
TT: Karkat?   
TT: Terezi?   
TT: Someone tell me what’s going on!   
apocalypseArisen [AA] has logged on  
AA: 0kay why the fuck are my legs m0ving with0ut my permissi0n  
TT: Oh, thank God.   
AA: that was a rhet0rical questi0n because we all kn0w theres 0nly 0ne pers0n 0n this aster0id wh0 can c0ntr0l 0ther pe0ples b0dies  
AA: vriska  
arachnidsGrip [AG] has logged on.  
AG: <::::O.   
AG: i'm SO SORRY, ARADIA!!!!!!!! G8mzee is m8king me do it!!!!!!!!   
AG: i me8n LORD MAKARA!!!!!!!! SORRY!!!!!!!!   
AG: he s8id he is tired of diso8edience 8nd th8t he w8nted you 8live 8y 8ny me8ns necess8ry!!!!!!!!   
AG: he s8id he'd show me my M8m8 8g8in if i didn't do wh8t he s8id 8nd he'd show me th8t it w8s ALL MY FAULT 8nd 8nd  
AG: i'm sorry i just don't w8nn8 remem8er th8t!!!!!!!!   
AG: i'm gl8d you'll still 8e 8live 8ut ple8se know th8t i NEVER w8nted to go 8g8inst your wishes 8nd just just ple8se PLEASE DON'T H8 MEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!   
arachnidsGrip [AG] has logged off.  
AA: I am having her take control of your fingers now, rustblood. Rest assured, I will log you off.   
apocalypseArisen has logged off.  
TT: What the hell just happened?   
terminallyCapricious [TC] has logged on.  
TC: I just salvaged your attempt at saving my servants, Seer.   
TC: Your time on our servers has now come to an end.   
TC: Captor, assuming that Her Condescension hasn’t found and gutted you, please remove this human from our servers.   
admin twinArmageddons [TA] has logged on.  
TA: ye22iir, ju2t let me fiind that button agaiin.   
TC: I think you’ll find it faster if you don’t waste time chatting and licking my boots.   
TA: 2orry, 2iir!! loggiing off, 2iir!!   
admin twinArmageddons [TA] has logged off.  
TC: We will discuss your failure soon, Seer.   
TC: As for the rest of you:   
TC: Today’s events have led me to a regrettable, though necessary, course of action.   
TC: Tonight is sleepover night.   
TC: Try to empty your bowels before bed so that you don’t ruin the floors.   
carcinoGeneticist [CG] has logged on.  
CG: O:B AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA  
You have been banned.   
Connection lost.   


Oh God. You think this may have been the worst day of your life. Your head is throbbing, and you’re only making it worse when you massage your temples, and you think you’re seriously about to cry. Rose Lalonde doesn’t cry; what the hell’s the matter with you? Oh for fuck’s sake, there goes the Pesterchum sound again. Sure enough, it’s the Grand Douchebag, waiting to talk down to you.

\-- terminallyCapricious [TC] began trolling tentacleTherapist at 23:11. \--

TC: I have examined the memo in our network.   
TC: You were in very poor form today, Seer.   
TT: Oh, amazing, it’s you.   
TT: You’re the “Grand Highblood” who claims to lead them, aren’t you?   
TT: If you’ve read the memo, then you should know that Nepeta’s point stands: they’re your responsibility, not mine. If you can’t be bothered to keep them from harming themselves or each other, you’re hardly qualified to call yourself a leader.   
TC: A Highblood does not stain his hands micromanaging the personal melodramas of peasants and neurotics.   
TC: If he must deal with such petty matters, he delegates--which is what I did when I ordered the mutant to summon you here.   
TT: Oh, so you’re the one who dragged me into this mess. Thanks a bunch. At least now I know who to bill for my services and suffering.   
TC: I assume that you are attempting to be humorous. Not only are you incapable of drawing restitution, I am skeptical that you truly believe yourself deserving of any.   
TT: I deserve a medal for putting up with that.   
TC: You will only take the silver; I live with that every day.   
TC: As I said, your performance was sub-par, and it is clear that your presence did little to nothing to allay their threats, or to deal with the tensions between my slaves.   
TC: The weeping cripple had to be guilted out of taking her life.   
TC: Meanwhile, I had to retrieve the rustblood personally.   
TT: Personally? You had to ask Vriska to save Aradia.   
TC: Does a puppet receive credit when its ventriloquist does not?   
TC: Serket is a spineless insect who can’t even save her friends without having a panic attack.   
TC: She could have used the rustblood to force Pyrope into submission at any moment, but instead, she chose to weep in the shadows helplessly while her best friend planned to destroy herself.   
TC: I made her act—and had I ordered her to send the rustblood plummeting to her doom, the spider would have done so, even though she’s one of those “free love and friendship” degenerates. She has no teeth. Her beloved “M8m8” would have eaten her sweeps ago, if Zahhak hadn’t taken her in as a pet.  
TC: The fact that no one has died yet is pure luck.   
TT: Firstly, you are an ass.   
TT: Secondly, if my services are unappreciated, then you need not ask for them again. It’s not as though I enjoy babysitting your crew.   
TT: Some of them are good people, but they’re tearing themselves apart. I don’t want any part of it.   
TC: You misunderstand.   
TC: I am only pointing out your failure to illuminate how desperate our situation is—even a useless quack like you is preferable to no help at all.   
TC: I have a breeding custodian who, while lovely, is too distracted with her sexual misadventures to care for the Matriorb.   
TC: A fourth of our number is in full rebellion and refuses to obey my directives.   
TC: We also have two self-destructive neurotics, an imbecile, a wilting ninny, and a sycophant.   
TC: And a sea-dweller. God, I hate sea-dwellers.   
TC: Excluding Her Condescension and myself, everyone on this rock is insane.   
TT: “Her Condescension”? Peixes is the most unstable of them all, and I truly pity you if you think that you can trust her. It’s amazing that she hasn’t hurt someone already.   
TC: The Condesce is our divine leader, and is entitled to do what She will with Her people. She is certainly enthusiastic in Her wrath, but rest assured, Her concubine is keeping Her sufficiently entertained, and therefore, distracted.   
TC: My only concern is Her interest in our reluctant tech support. Her dalliance with such scum will do no favors for Her reputation.   
TT: Hmm. I wonder what your “divine leader” has to say about you running the show. Surely a paragon of self-control like her would never indulge any feelings of jealousy, right?   
TC: The Condesce’s main responsibilities have traditionally been associated with either the expansion of our empire, the destruction of potential heirs, or the social needs of the Royal Court. The Grand Highblood has always been Her right hand, managing the needs of Alternia and its colonies and protectorates.   
TC: However, at present, there are no opportunities for expansion. Nor are there neither any living claimants to the throne, nor any sea-dwellers in general, thankfully. Hence, the Royal Court no longer exists save for Her companion.   
TC: Her Majesty has been more than happy to allow me the honor of maintaining Her Empire, while She enjoys Her well-earned life of leisure.   
TT: Ah. So Peixes is only Empress in name. You might as well be Emperor now. Has it never occurred to you to just get rid of her before she hurts someone and just make it official? She’s nothing but a liability, and a dangerous one at that.   
TC: Please. Don’t be stupid and blasphemous at the same time. Emperors get a knife in the back from ambitious usurpers. Viziers get wealth, power, and, most importantly, no attention. All I need to do is kiss Her rings, and I own the universe.   
TC: But enough of this unholy philosophy. You are distracting me from my point.   
TC: I am hiring your services.   
TC: You will treat my trolls, and keep them from killing each other.   
TC: You will brief me on every session, and you will send me full transcripts of your conversations.   
TT: Yes, because that worked so well the first time.   
TC: Sarcasm? We will have to weed that out of you if we are to work together.   
TC: You do make a good point, however.   
TC: Group therapy is not an option. The intricacies of conflict between our members are complex, if not particularly interesting, so any attempt to deal with them all at once will only end in disaster, as we have seen before.   
TC: No, you will deal with them one at a time.   
TC: You will defuse them before they have an opportunity to further ruin my plans, and if you fail, I will cut my losses and cull them.   
TT: You’re saying “you will” quite a bit. You have no guarantee that I will agree to this offer.   
TT: In fact, allow me to respond right now: The answer is no.   
TC: I do not recall listing refusal as an acceptable response.   
TT: Well, you’ll just have to learn to live life without getting everything that you want, then, won’t you?   
TT: It will be good for you, I think. Scarcity and conflict have long been known to strengthen character.   
TC: This insolence is unbecoming of you, Seer.   
TC: I sUgGeSt ThAt YoU aCcEpT.   
TT: Oh, so you do have a quirk. You’ve typed like a nice respectable gentletroll up until now. Did I make you mad just then, Makara? Are you going to have a tantrum?   
TT: Lay it on me. I’m all ears.   
TC: I hAvE nEvEr MeT a WoMaN mOrE fOoLiSh ThAn YoU aRe BeInG aT tHiS mOmEnT.   
TT: Oh, really?   
TT: As your therapist, I must ask:   
TT: How does that make you feel?   
TC: Heh.   
TC: I rescind my earlier opinion on your humor. You really are quite hilarious.   
TC: Allow me to make a counter-offer.   
terminallyCapricious [TC] has logged off.  
terminallyCapricious [TC] has logged on.  
TC: There.   
TT: What? Do you think that leaving for half a second will suddenly make your demands more reasonable?   
TC: It was a half-second for you, a half hour for me. I had some work to do.   
TC: Tell me, Seer. How have you been sleeping lately?   
TC: Have you found any bite marks yet?   
TT: Excuse me?   
TC: What did you do when you woke up in the other world? What was your first instinct when you felt their little legs crawl across you, running under clothes, laying eggs in your pretty white hair? Did you want to vomit in disgust? Did you want to rip off your own flesh to get the filth off of you?   
TT: What are you saying?   
TC: Did they fall into your mouth when you screamed? If so, what did their guts taste like when you chewed them up? What did it feel like when their angry brothers and sisters started to bite you, when they started burrowing under your skin as easily as they did those silky purple pajamas?   
TC: I saw you wake up crying, looking at yourself in the mirror. Tell me, Seer, were you looking for bug bites? Were you looking for little bulges shifting beneath your dermis?   
TT: How do you know about this?   
TC: Of course, that was just Tuesday. Wednesday, you were woken up by your dead cat lying on the floor, stomach flattened, entrails pushed out of its backside, one eye hanging by a stalk. It was screaming—even though it was obviously mortally wounded, it just wouldn’t die, would it?   
TC: Tell me, Seer, what did you do then? Did you try and cure it, even though there was obviously nothing to be done? Did you comfort it, even though it was too racked with pain and fear to recognize you, even though it bit and clawed you? Or did you retain enough state of mind to cave its skull in and save it from unnecessary misery?   
TT: Stop it.   
TC: I don’t take orders from humans.   
TC: If you want me to stop, you’d better beg.   
TC: I am waiting.   
TC: Nothing?   
TC: Very well.   
TC: You have been avoiding sleep for the last three days, but we both know that one day, your bloodshot eyes must shut.   
TC: I have seen this day. It is coming sooner than you may think.   
TC: What is going to happen then, Rose?   
TC: Do you want to see what your friends’ corpses will look like after a week baking in the hot sun?   
TC: Do you want to see your lusus slumped over in her lacey pink chair, unseeing eyes bulging out while the smell of vodka, vomit, and waste fill the air?   
TC: Or do you just want to sleep again, and keep from going insane?   
TC: You can choose any of these. It’s all in your hands.   
TC: You should really feel like you are in the driver’s seat now.   
TC: You can basically take your story literally anywhere, so long as you don’t defy me, and so long as your think pan doesn’t collapse from exhaustion.   
TC: It is like this panoramic cornucopia of limitless possibility sprawling before your very eyes.   
TC: What do you want to happen?   
TC: Hello?   
TC: I’m going to log off soon if you will not respond. My patience is not infinite.   
TC: You’re really quite stubborn, you know that?   
TC: Pity.   
TT: Please stop.   
TT: I’ll do it, I’ll treat them. Just please...stop.   
TC: Good.   
TC: I will inform my trolls and then send you a schedule on the morrow.   
TT: But I still have conditions.   
TC: You are hardly in a position to make demands.   
TT: Listen.   
TT: At least one of them hates my guts, which makes things difficult. If my patients won’t cooperate with me, I’m effectively useless.   
TT: I will need outside assistance to talk with that one, and I might need my assistants for when I am unable to attend a session.   
TC: You are no doubt referring to your fellow players.   
TT: Whatever that means.   
TC: Very well. I have my doubts about their abilities, but no more than I do yours.   
TC: Should I see a significant improvement in morale, who knows? I may even give you a proper reward.   
TC: However, I doubt that will be the case.   
TT: Oh, trust me on this. If I get to make you eat those words, I’ll make every one of your people model citizens.   
TC: Your rebellious sentiment has been noted. Normally, your atonement would be swift and terrible.   
TC: So long as you get me results, however, I will show mercy and ignore such slights.   
TC: Goodbye, Miss Lalonde.   
TC: And pleasant dreams.   
terminallyCapricious [TC] has logged off.

Your head falls to the keyboard with a bang. You hate your life.

You think this would be an auspicious time to start a habit of alcoholism. Fortunately, you are simply too tired to follow through on it, and so you fall asleep. In the morning, you will have forgotten about that decision, after a night of dreamless sleep.

 


	2. I Put My Thing Down Flip It N Reverse It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which a horny space vampire fails at pickup lines and cries soon thereafter.

From the desk of Lord Gamzee Makara, Grand Highblood of Alternia  
To the Untalented Psychologist Rose Lalonde,

I will begin our sessions by assigning you a Miss Kanaya Maryam, who is known by the chat handle of grimAuxiliatrix [GA]. Here is your briefing.

Miss Maryam is the guardian of the Matriorb – a pod which can grow a Mother Grub, a creature which is of the utmost importance to the troll race. A Mother Grub lays eggs which are fertilized by the collective genetic material of the entire troll species-we cannot reproduce without this creature. 

She is also a Jade Blood – an exotic and noble class of troll. Due to these two circumstances, she is just below the Empress and myself in terms of survival importance. If you can cure but one troll, save this one so that we may preserve both our species and the jade race.

Unsatisfactory results will result in your slow decline into incoherent madness. Do not fail me, Seer. 

\-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] at 07:30 --

GA: Heeeeeeeey Baby  
GA: *wink*   
TT: Um.  
TT: Hello.  
GA: I Hope Yous Hella Ready For Some  
GA: Sloppy  
GA: Shameless  
GA: Hardcore  
GA: Emotional Intimacy  
GA: Because Im Gonna Jam Ya Feelins So Fuckin Hard  
GA: Gonna Listen The Shit Outta All Ya Problems  
GA: Cmon Baby  
GA: Give It To Me  
TT: I believe that you may have misunderstood the purpose of this session. Traditionally, the psychologist -- the role of whom is being filled by yours truly -- will listen to the patient -- that’s you.  
GA: Oh Man Ya Wanna Top  
GA: Im So Down With That  
GA: I Am Dee To The Oh To The  
GA: Dubbuwe  
GA: ?  
GA: Okay Fuck That Noise  
GA: Point Is Im Cool With That  
GA: Mistress  
TT: Is “Mistress” a formal term on Alternia?  
TT: Because, if so, I am getting a very different impression from our conversation thus far.   
GA: Oh Yeah Gurl Mistress Is Hella Respectful  
GA: I Wouldnt Dream Of Disrespectin My Pale Pail Buddy  
GA: That Is Less Ya Want Me To  
GA: I Can Be Hella Naughty  
TT: Okay, this is getting kind of uncomfortable.  
TT: Kanaya, not only can I not reciprocate your romantic impulses, but even if I could, I simply don’t feel that way about you.   
GA: Huh  
GA: Aight So Ya Aint Up For Pale Shit  
GA: Thats Cool Everybodys Got Their Turnoffs  
GA: So What Are Ya Up For  
GA: Maybe Somethin A Lil Darker Huh Hoe  
TT: Excuse me?   
GA: You Heard Me Hoe  
GA: Fat Lil Uggo Unlovable Hoebag  
GA: Ya Buy That Outfit Or Ya Just Knit Ya Lususes Shit Together  
GA: Ya Like It When I Talk Like That  
GA: ?   
TT: No, Kanaya, I can’t say that I do. I would prefer that you stop.  
TT: I am trying to help you, and I am not going to be able to do so if you insist on antagonizing me.   
GA: Okay Okay  
GA: Ya Wanna Help Me  
GA: Thank Ya So Fuckin Much For Throwin Me A Bone There  
GA: This Roleplays Goin In A Thousand Fuckin Directions  
GA: Ya Keep Changin The Premise  
GA: Aint Gonna Lie Yous Hella Confusin Gurl  
TT: What? What roleplay?   
GA: This One Uh Duh  
GA: Now Lemme Start Over  
GA: Ahem  
GA: Oh Woe Is Me  
GA: That Cat Hoe Just Gets Under My Skin So Damn Much  
GA: I Dont Hate Her That Way  
GA: But How Much Longer Can It Be Before We Just Start Ravishin Each Other In Fury  
GA: N Then Our Stupid Shitty Quadrants Will Be Outta Whack  
GA: N Our Livesll Be Forever Tainted By Our Failure To Live Up To Some Bullshit Abstract Invention Of Society  
GA: Boo Hoo Hoo  
TT: Okay, I am totally confused.  
TT: Did you decide that therapy started just now?  
TT: Are we officially doing this?   
GA: Lemme Finish  
GA: Where Was I  
GA: Right  
GA: Yes That Ugly Cat Hoe With The Shitty Ass Weave Will Most Definitely Take Advantage Of Me Soon  
GA: If Only There Was Some Third Party  
GA: A Person Who Was Level Headed N Impartial But Also Totally Bangin  
GA: Who Could Negotiate Us All Into A Sweaty Heap Of Grudgin Tolerance  
GA: When Oh When Will My Sexy Goth Princess Arrive N Rescue Me  
TT: Alright. I suppose I deserve this. I mean, I’ve been assuming that Makara would tell you people what it is I do, but hey; it’s not like he has ever given any suggestion of two shits given about his followers.  
TT: Kanaya, I am not interested in sexual intercourse, heavy petting, flirting, or risque roleplaying games; not with you or any of my other patients.  
TT: I want to keep this strictly professional and strictly platonic.   
GA: What  
GA: Ffffffffffffff  
GA: That Fuckin  
GA: I Mean  
GA: Shitfuck  
GA: Just  
GA: Shitfuck  
GA: Motherfuckin Goddamn Misleadin Piece Of Woofbeast Hork  
GA: Lyin Tight Ass Douchebag Nook Infection  
GA: Stupid Lousy Outdated Waistcoat Wearin Motherfucker  
TT: Are you finished yet?   
GA: No  
GA: Piss Swillin Creepy Ass Race Theorist Fuckbag  
GA: Nook Lickin Bulge Suckin Self Hatin Sack of Shit  
GA: Fffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff  
GA: Fffffuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhh  
GA: Kiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiin  
GA: Hoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooe  
GA: Yeah Okay I Think Im Outta Insults Right Now  
GA: That Was Some Stream Of Consciousness Level Of Pissed Off Right There  
TT: Do you behave like that every time someone rejects your advances?   
GA: What No Way Gurl I Mean Who Am I Nepeta  
GA: Wouldnt That Just Be Fuckin Perfect  
GA: In Fighting The Hoebag I Hath Become The Hoebag  
GA: Nah Gurl That Outburst Wasnt Directed At Ya Shapely Rear  
GA: Just Some Personal Shit  
GA: Ya Was Just Some Motherfuckin Collateral Damage  
TT: Well, I *am* a therapist. Why don’t you tell me about it?   
GA: What Seriously  
GA: Ya Just Fuckin Said Ya Werent Into Pale Shit  
GA: Dont Be Playin With Me Gurl Fuckin Tell Me True  
GA: Ya Some Kind Of Fuckin Bulge Tease  
GA: Ya Just One More Motherfucker That Thinks  
GA: Oh Man Kanaya Is Such A Hoe I Bet I Can Play Some Mad Mind Games N Fuck With Her Vascular Pump  
GA: N She Aint Gonna Take Offense At Being Used Because Shes Just Some Bucket With Legs  
GA: Well Bitch Lemme Stop Ya Right There N Tell Ya That Ya Aint The Cleverest Hoe In The Land  
GA: Pretty Much Every Other Sorry Motherfucker On My Planet Tried That Shit  
GA: Ya Aint Some Special Snowflake  
TT: I did not mean any of that. I am merely offering some assistance. I maintain that I am uninterested in sexual relations.  
TT: How did you even get that impression, anyway?   
GA: Um Rose  
GA: I Gotta Ask  
GA: Ya Evil Or Just Hella Dense  
GA: Seriously How Can Somebody Accidentally Offer To Be A Moirail For Hire N Not Get That  
GA: Ya Cant Just Walk Into That Shit Not Knowin It  
TT: What exactly is a moirail?  
GA: Oh Emmmmmmmmmmm Eff Geeeeeeeeeeeeeee  
GA: Ya Cant Be Serious  
GA: No Way Ya Dont Know What A Moirail Is  
TT: I do not. I’ve memorized a plethora of thesauri, yet I have no prior acquaintance with the term.   
GA: Not To Doubt Ya But Its Easier To Believe Ya Just Kinda Dumb  
GA: Hang On I Gotta See If Yer Serious About Being This Fuckin Ignorant  
GA: Keep Ya Ass Put  
\-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] has ceased trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] \--  
\-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling gardenGnostic [GG] \--  
GG: oh noooooo! D:  
GA: Nuh Uh  
GA: No  
GA: None Of This Victim Shit From You Today   
GG: why wont you people just leave me alone??? what did i ever do to you???   
GA: Cant Answer For The Others But For Me Its Yer Goofy Ass Googly Eye Glasses  
GA: Those Fuckin Things Is An Affront To Good Taste On All Planes Of Existence  
GA: Why Dont Ya Take The Leap N Just Wear A Fuckin Fursuit Already  
GA: Ya Would Look Less Stupid  
GG: i dont wear a fursuit!!! fursuits are stupid!!! YOURE stupid!!!   
GA: W/E  
GA: Quick Question N Ill Turn A Blind Eye To Ya Continued Crimes Against Fashion For Now  
GG: good!!! fire away and then LEAVE ME ALONE!!!   
GA: Whats A Moirail  
GG: the heck is that??   
GA: Oh Man Jade Ignorance Aint An Answer In This Game  
GA: Better Get It Right Or Ill Just Keep Messin With Ya  
GG: but i don’t even know what that is!! thats not fair!   
GA: Yeah Its Unfair Better Tell Me What A Moirail Is Or Ill Keep Being An Unfair Bitch For The Rest Of Ya Life  
GA: Best Not Be Actin Like An Ignorant Hoe Just To Mess With Me  
GA: So What Is It  
GG: i dont know! i dont know! I DONT KNOW!   
GA: Oh Too Bad  
GA: Guess Ill Have To Keep Trollin Ya As A Lil Old Lady  
GG: fine! a moirail is a 1600s era painting! it was invented by Doofpants McFuckass and was popular in France!  
GG: there i guessed and i just know I GOT IT WRONG.  
GG: i hate you so much!! why are you such a bitch?   
GA: Huh So Ya Really Dont Know  
GG: of course not! of course i dont know about STUPID MADE-UP WORDS said by STUPID MADE-UP ALIENS who are STUPID REAL JERKS who have nothing better to do with their lives except for bullying a little girl!  
GG: fuck you assholes!   
\-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] has been blocked by gardenGnostic [GG] \--  
\-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB] \--  
GA: Okay Dork Ya Got Thirty Seconds To Tell Me What A Moirail Is  
EB: what’s a moirail?   
GA: Not This Shit Again  
EB: oh man, is this another one of your made-up alien things? like stilt judo?   
GA: No Its Not Another  
GA: Wait  
GA: Stilt Judo  
EB: oh yeah, one of you guys told me all about it! apparently it’s a troll mating ritual and it's totally hot and taboo and stuff, for reasons I don’t readily understand!  
EB: pretty much like buckets, I guess.   
GA: Ok The Moirail Question Is Tabled  
GA: This Is Too Juicy  
GA: Who Likes Doin It With Stilts  
EB: man, I can’t tell you! I was sworn to secrecy!   
GA: Cmon Pleeeeeeeeeease  
EB: I don’t know what to tell you, bro! I mean, you COULD try and bribe me, but I don’t really know what you could do for me, since you’re an alien from another dimension and all...   
GA: Man Ill Do Whatever Just Spill It  
EB: well...  
EB: hmmmm....  
EB: maybe...   
GA: Stop Bein A Dick Man  
EB: ok, I’ve got it! I'll tell you if, and ONLY IF, you send me a picture of you cosplaying!   
GA: What Thats It  
GA: Pfft Fool Yer Talkin To The Cosplay Queen  
GA: The Grand Mistress Of Fabrics  
GA: I Was Schoolin Hoes For Sweeps Back On Alternia  
GA: N That Was Before I Could Just Alchemize Shit  
GA: Bring It On  
EB: but you have to WEAR THIS!  
EB: http://tinyurl.com/d8utc5o   
GA: What  
GA: What In Gods Name Happened To This Fool  
EB: man, CYRUS THE VIRUS happened! a plane full of America’s most dangerous convicts is what happened!  
EB: but you can’t keep Nicolas Cage down when he has a wife and daughter to reunite with! it simply cannot be done.   
GA: You Want Me  
GA: To Wear  
GA: That  
EB: yeah! and since you’re apparently “The Cosplay Queen”, I want detail! SWEAT STAINS! GRIME! A REALISTIC LOOKING WIG! only the best will reveal the secrets of the Kama Stiltra!  
EB: you have to make an outfit worthy of...THE CAGE.   
GA: This  
GA: This A Sexual Thing  
GA: ?  
GA: Please Say No  
EB: maybe. maybe not. I don’t know! all I know is that you’ll never hear who’s got a stilt fetish while my desktop does not a high-res background of you dressed as a renegade fighting against tough odds and the broken American justice system.  
GA: John Egbert Go Fuck Yourself For Appealin To My Lesser Angels  
GA: Ugh  
GA: Fine  
GA: Gimme A Second  
grimAuxiliatrix [GA] has logged off.   
grimAuxiliatrix [GA] has logged on.   
GA: There  
grimAuxiliatrix sent ectoBiologist the file John_Egbert_Is_A_Fuckin_Asshole.png  
EB: oh man! you really are good at this! ha ha, wow!  
EB: you still have some smudges of that stupid gray make-up on you though...   
GA: Thats My Goddamn Skin Ya Fuckin Tool  
EB: yeah, right, suuuuuure.  
EB: another thing: what’s with that expression you’re making?   
GA: Thats A Facial Contortion Unique To The Troll Species  
GA: We Call It Gifling  
GA: In Ya Tongue It Loosely Translates As  
GA: I Wanna Rip Ya Thigh Bones Outta Ya Waste Chute N Then Violate Ya With One While Bashin Ya Fangs Out With The Other  
EB: wow, really? that is so metal.   
GA: W/E That Means  
GA: Okay Now That Ive Debased Myself For Ya Sick Pleasure I Want Ya To Tell Me What Ya Heard  
EB: okay, okay! you want to know who likes doing it with stilt judo?   
GA: I Just Fuckin Said That  
EB: are you absolutely sure?   
GA: Motherfucker Were I Not Sure Would I Have Made An Ass Of Myself Just Now  
GA: ?  
GA: Fuckin Spill It  
EB: alright, if you say so...  
EB: you know who gets off to stilt judo?  
EB: YOUR MOM gets off to stilt judo! ha ha!  
EB: pwned!   
GA: What  
GA: Dont Know What A Mom Is  
GA: But Im Gettin The Distinct Sensation That I Just Been Had  
EB: YOUR MOM has just been had!  
EB: by me!   
GA: Yep There Goes That Feelin Again  
GA: It Tells Me To Murder Ya  
EB: too bad you’re trapped in your crazy space land where you can’t murder me with your crazy space hands!   
GA: Alright Ya Lil Bucktoothed Asshole  
GA: Ya Mind Tellin Me What The Fuck A Mom Is So I Can Know Exactly How Much I Wanna Stab Ya To Death  
EB: well, unless you can tell me whatever a moirail is, I won’t tell you what a mom is! so I guess we’ve got ourselves an impasse!   
GA: Guess That Answers Two Of My Questions  
GA: Ya Dont Know What A Moirail Is  
GA: N Yer Also A Fuckin Prick  
GA: Guess Im Done Here  
GA: So Fuck Off N Die  
EB: wait, wait! don’t you wanna know who helped me think this up? don’t you wanna know who my muse of pranks and gambits was?  
EB: don’t you wanna know who...turned my crank?   
GA: Well Gee Whiz Thats Tough But Ima Go Ahead N Say My Mom  
EB: ha ha, good one!  
EB: no, but seriously, Nepeta and Jade just got that awesome picture.   
GA: Say What  
gardenGnostic [GG] has logged on.  
arsenicCatnip [AC] has logged on.  
GA: Fuckin What  
AC: :DD < John Egbert.  
AC: :DD < You  
AC: :DD < Are  
AC: :DD < A fucking  
AC: XDD < God!   
GG: maybe now youll stop being such a jerk!  
GG: what goes around comes around asshole!!   
EB: yeah! prankster posse representin’!   
GA: Nepeta You Delete That Picture Right Fuckin Now   
AC: :33 < No, I think I’m gonna k33p it.  
AC: :33 < Oh, hey, what’s this button on my chat client?  
AC: :33 < "Mass e-mail?"  
GA: Nepeta   
AC: :oo < Ooooooooooh   
GA: Hoe Dont You Do It  
AC: :DD < What does THIS button do?   
GA: Bitch I Will Turn You Into A Pair Of Boots If You Do It  
AC: :33 < Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand  
AC: :33 < Send!   
GA: Aaaaaaaaaaaaagh I Hate You So Much Ya Fuckin Hoe  
GA: Fuck All Yall  
\-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] ceased trolling EB, GG, and AC \--  
\-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] \--  
TG: yo baby whats goin down   
GA: Whats  
GA: Know What I Changed My Mind  
GA: I Just Remembered That Yer The Biggest Prick Of Em All   
TG: thats right honey just call me abe frohman cuz im the crotch sausage king of chicago  
TG: muy grande twelve inch prick right here  
TG: dont sit to close to your screen or it might come through the broadband and jab you in the face  
GA: Yeah Every Word Yer Sayin Just Confirms My Decision  
GA: Goodbye Asshole   
TG: come around anytime you feel like girl  
TG: we can keep talking about our prolonged experience with the sausage   
GA: Hoe   
\-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] has blocked turntechGodhead [TG] \--  
\-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] \--  
GA: Okay Gurl I Guess Humans Just Have A Hella Massive Blind Spot About The Quadrants  
GA: Thats Not Really A Bad Thing In My Book But  
GA: God Damn  
GA: I Dont Even Believe In The Quadrants N Yet Theres Just This Big Ass Cultural Barrier Keepin Us From Being Straight With Each Other  
GA: Gurl Ya Still There  
GA: Hello  
GA: The Fuck Ya At   
\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] is now active –-  
TT: Oh, you’re back. I was working away from my computer.   
GA: Thought I Told Ya To Stay Put  
TT: And I complied with your request—for 3 hours.  
TT: On a Tuesday.  
TT: Last Tuesday, to be precise.  
TT: You never came back.   
GA: What  
GA: Aw Shit I Lit Up The Wrong Point In The Timeline  
GA: Lemme Go Back To Where Ya Were  
TT: I’m afraid that’s not possible. I don’t recall you ever contacting me during the last week, so you’d be violating causality if you tried talking to me. It’s probably impossible, or at least hazardous.   
GA: Right Right  
GA: Hate This Time Travel BS  
GA: So I Guess We Gotta Do This Therapy Thing Now   
TT: Probably. Before we begin, let me warn you though:  
TT: Do not meddle with my friends.   
GA: What  
TT: One of my friends contacted me earlier today. It appears that you’ve been tormenting her.   
GA: What That Dork Has Friends  
GA: Man Talk About Motherfuckin Miracles  
TT: Kanaya, I would request that you stop harassing Jade—or anyone else, for that matter.  
TT: It will interfere with my ability to act as an impartial party if you insist on antagonizing my friends.  
TT: I must insist that you apologize to her before we begin.   
GA: Apologize  
GA: No Way  
GA: Fuck That Shit  
GA: Kanaya Maryam Dont Apologize to Nobody For Nothin  
GA: N Anyway She Got Her Stupid Fuckin Revenge Already  
GA: So We Is Motherfuckin Even So Far As I Care  
TT: She said you only contacted her just now. I find it hard to believe that she concocted a revenge scheme within minutes.   
GA: Well I Guess Nonlinear Chronological Conversations Will Do That To Ya Wont It  
GA: She Already Fucked Me Over Where I Stand N Like Ya Said No Point Even Botherin With This Causality BS  
GA: So No I Aint Writin Any Fuckin Apology  
GA: If Anythin She Should Be Apologizin To Me  
TT: Why on earth should she apologize to you?   
GA: For Bein So Unrepentantly Terrible  
GA: Harleys An Idiot N If Yer Friends With Her So Is You  
TT: Well, this is positively brilliant. My first session, and my patient is insulting me and making my friends miserable.  
TT: Perhaps this might’ve been a bad idea after all.   
GA: Well If This Is How Ya Think A Pale Prostitute Works Then Yeah Ya Definitely Aint Cut Out For This  
TT: What did you just call me?   
GA: Im Callin Ya What Ya Are:  
GA: Yer A Pale Hoe  
TT: You know what? Fuck this, and fuck you.   
GA: Well Fuck You Too Bitch  
GA: Dont Let The Aperture Close On Yer Ass On The Way Out  
TT: Send Makara a message for me: The deal is cancelled. He can torture me so much as he desires, but no amount of pain is worth putting up with this nonsense.   
GA: Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa  
GA: Wait  
GA: Back Up  
GA: Gamzees Usin His Chucklevoodoo Bullshit On Ya  
TT: Yes, the “payment” for my services to your people consists of not being mind-raped.  
TT: I’m not doing this out of the kindness of my heart.  
TT: To be frank, as a group, you are like a cluster headache given flesh.   
GA: Fuck Gurl  
GA: Had No Idea  
GA: Hey Listen Dont Worry Bout This Shit Honey Ima Sit His Ass Down N Tell Him To Back Off  
GA: I Gots Ya Back  
TT: Oh, so now you wish to partake in the joys of friendship? Perhaps we can gaily frolic in a sunlit meadow together, laughing and skipping, before collapsing on top of each other in barely concealed sexual tension?   
GA: Well If Ya Insist  
TT: That was sarcasm.   
GA: N That Was A Joke  
GA: Oh Shit What Was That Lemme Tell Ya  
GA: It Was A Goddamn Sarcasm Reversal Courtesy of Kanaya Maryam  
GA: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh  
GA: !   
TT: This is stupid. I’m leaving.   
GA: Oh Cmon Lemme Help Ya  
TT: Why are you even concerned? This is none of your business.   
GA: Gurl If Gamzee Hurts People It Becomes My Business  
GA: So Hows About This  
GA: We Clear Up Our Lil Misunderstandin  
GA: N Then We Work On Gettin That Fool Off Ya Back  
GA: Does That Proposition Strike Ya As Appealin  
TT: So long as there is, in fact, a misunderstanding, and you are not stringing me along for some bizarre sadistic pleasure in wasting both of our time, then yes, I suppose we can work together.  
TT: So how did matters go awry in our absurd little farce of an introduction?   
GA: Well Basically It Was Entirely My Fault  
GA: I Kinda Had The Wrong Idea Comin In Here  
TT: I had deduced that much on my own.   
GA: Yeah Well  
GA: I Dont Wanna Offend Ya  
GA: If This Is Even Somethin Youd Be Offended By  
GA: But See When Gamzee Was Explainin This Therapy Deal A Lot Of Us Came Away With A Misconception About What It Was You Did  
GA: Trolls Aint Exactly Open With Each Other A Lotta The Time  
GA: Except That Is For When They Enter Into A Pale Romance  
TT: A pale romance?   
GA: Yeah Basically Ya Just Help Each Other Sort Out Your Shit Thats A Big Deal In My Culture  
GA: N When We Heard That Gamzee Had Hired Ya To Talk With Us  
GA: All Of Us  
GA: N Basically Have What We Call A Feelings Jam  
GA: We Uh Kinda Figured You Was A Prostitute   
TT: Oh.  
TT: Well.  
TT: That explains a lot, I suppose.   
GA: Yeah I Kinda Got Overexcited Bout That  
GA: Aint Gonna Lie  
TT: “Overexcited” is a gargantuan understatement.  
TT: Talking to you is like a simulation of what would happen if someone pumped distilled id through a fire hose.   
GA: Okay Okay I Fucked Up For Fucks Sake  
GA: I Was Like A Horny Woofbeast Humpin Everythin In Sight  
GA: Bad Woofbeast Worst Friend  
GA: No Bone For Me  
GA: There Is That Enough Prostration N Gnashin Of Fangs At The Altar Of Ya Soiled Honor  
TT: It’s just...  
TT: Do you always make such forward advances when you encounter new people?   
GA: Again  
GA: Hypothetical Prostitution  
GA: Science Will Exonerate Me  
GA: Until I Met Ya You Existed In A Quantum State Of Simultaneous Hoeness N Non-Hoeness  
TT: I am fairly sure that quantum physics does not work that way at all.   
GA: Damn It Where Is Eridan When I Need Him To Back Me Up On Shit Like This  
GA: Look Im  
GA: Shit  
GA: Im Sorry  
GA: N If It Makes Ya Feel Less Skeeved Out I Wasnt Even Interested In The Actual Roleplay As Much As  
GA: Well  
GA: Other Shit  
TT: What “Other Shit” would that be? What alterior goal were you intending to use our aborted erotic adventure to service?   
GA: Fuck Gurl Mind Ya Own  
GA: Do Ya Always Stick Your Nasal Cartilage Into Business That Aint Yours  
GA: ?   
TT: So you aren’t comfortable with talking about your feelings. That represents a significant roadblock in our therapy.  
TT: Well, Kanaya, if we can’t have a proper therapy session, we need to devise an alternative strategy to appease Makara.  
TT: That is, if you are still volunteering to assist me in my predicament.   
GA: Well How Bout This  
GA: You Gotta Get Gamzee Visible Results Right   
TT: He wants transcripts of my sessions, yes. I would rather not send them, as that would be a grievous abuse of doctor-patient confidentiality, but I have to produce something to present to him if I am to sleep soundly at night.   
GA: Well Okay  
GA: But We Dont Gotta Send Him A Real Transcript Do We  
GA: Just Gotta Send Him One That Makes Him Think That We Is Makin Progress  
GA: Progress As Defined By Sir I-Am-The-Biggest-Turd-On-Shit-Mountain Of Course  
GA: We Just Gotta Look Busy For A Lil While To Show That Wes Communicatin  
GA: But Really Ill Be Forgin A Bogus Session For Him N Youll Be Home Free  
GA: N If Ya Clue Me In On Who Ya Talk To On What Day I Can Write Transcripts For Them Too  
GA: That Sound Like A Plan  
GA: ?   
TT: It certainly sounds appealing. However, wouldn’t Gamzee notice that the patients aren’t progressing according to his standards?   
GA: Thats The Beauty Of It Tho  
GA: You Can Go On Ahead N Treat The Others  
GA: Bein All Super Doctor N Shit  
GA: You Make Em Happy  
GA: N If Gamzee Has Evidence Suggestin That Yous Makin Nice Obedient Worker Drones For His Lil Empire  
GA: Then I Doubt Hes Gonna Look Too Deep Into It  
TT: So you will insist upon forgoing therapy? It could be beneficial for you.   
GA: Nah Im Good  
GA: I Mean Lets Face It Honey  
GA: What Would We Talk About  
GA: As Beautiful N Perfect As I Am We Just Dont Got Too Much To Discuss Do We  
GA: Less You Wanna Hear Me Complain Bout The Trials Of Being The Best Goddamn Troll On This Meteor That Is  
GA: In Which Case Oh Mercy Me  
GA: Heavy Is The Hands What Wields The Chainsaw N Shit  
GA: I Feel So Guilty For Hoardin All This Awesome For Myself  
GA: Lol  
TT: Hmm.  
TT: Very well. You are hereby excused from therapy.  
TT: Although we should probably sit and chat for a moment, if only for appearance’s sake. After all, your devious ruse would be snuffed out quite expediently if Makara should see me obviously loafing.   
GA: Yeah Alright That Sounds Cool  
GA: Ima Work On This Transcript In The Other Window  
GA: Dont Mind If I Steer The Conversation Right Now Right  
GA: ?   
TT: By all means, Kanaya, say what you want to say. You are the master of your fate; you are the captain of your idle smalltalk.   
GA: Damn Straight Im Captain  
GA: I Got My Fancy Schmancy Embroidered Overcoat N My Tricornered Hat On N Everythin  
GA: All Hands On Deck  
TT: You know, when you say things like that, you remind me of Dave.   
GA: Ooh Harsh Gurl  
GA: That Was Uncalled For  
GA: I Just Called Ya A Hoe Accidentally I Didnt Go N Call Ya A Dave  
TT: I presume you’ve talked with him, then?   
GA: Ugh More Than I Ever Needed To  
TT: You should consider engaging with him more often. I am well aware that Dave is...well, he’s Dave, but his initial veneer of haughty hipsterism does a great disservice to his inner character. Once you’ve reached past it, I think the two of you would get along splendidly.   
GA: Pfft  
GA: Glad Ya Aint My Therapist If Thats The Kinda Advice Yer Givin Out  
GA: Honestly Ya Seem Way Cooler Than Yer Friends  
TT: You can determine that from the fifteen minutes we’ve been conversing?   
GA: Well The Other Hornless Monkeys Got On My Nerves Way Faster Than Ya Have Thus Far  
GA: So Yeah Yous Coolkid Number One By Disqualification  
GA: So Why Do Ya Talk With Those Losers Anyway  
TT: I talk with them because they’re my friends.   
GA: I Dont Wanna Get Bitchy With Ya  
GA: Oh Who Am I Kiddin I Totally Do  
GA: Sayin That Reflects Pretty Fuckin Poorly On Ya TT  
GA: The Shit  
GA: I Aint Even Asked Ya Name Yet The Fucks Wrong With Me  
TT: It’s Rose. Rose Lalonde.   
GA: Nice Name  
GA: Guess Ya Already Know It But While Were Introducin Ourselves Im Kanaya Maryam  
TT: Nice to meet you.  
TT: Getting back to your question: you would not mind if I proffered a somewhat sentimental answer regarding my friends, would you?   
GA: Guess Not  
GA: Go For It  
TT: I’ll grant that it’s strange that my best friends are people I’ve never met in person. Really, I suppose that I am ideal material for some moral panic Lifetime original motion picture. I can foresee it now: the role of Rose Lalonde shall be played by a generically beautiful twentysomething actress who eats a hundred calories a day to stay in a size zero bustier. The plot will concern my tragic spiral into isolation and despair as the tangled World Wide Web devours my soul entire, until one day I am saved by either Jesus, or a magical ethnic woman who will solve all of my problems with her earthy wisdom. We’ll have to talk with the producers to determine the most fitting finale.  
TT: But I digress. I’ve been privately tutored at home for most of my life, and I honestly haven’t met that many people outside of my mother and my assorted overpaid babysitters. One year, I was overtaken with curiosity about the strange social rituals centered around our public school system. So I told Mother that I just couldn’t bear to spoil myself with education that outweighed most people’s entire lifetime earnings and I asked to go to public school. I have no doubt that she knew what awaited me; I should have known it the minute she acquiesced so fervently.  
TT: I would imagine that there are decent people walking through the halls of our schools, but they remain hypothetical from my viewpoint; I don’t know if it’s the petty politics, the ingrained xenophobia of the undeveloped pubescent mind, or the atomization of modern society, but for whatever reason, I have never met one of these decent people. For six months, I devoted eight hours of my daily life to cohabitation with a disinterested, directionless mass of youth that embraced blandness and shunned the new, the weird, and the nonconforming. Everything from my clothes, to my speech, to the books I read, and the movies I watched determined who I was in the judgment of the pimply Legion. My intelligence was impugned and my physicality was maligned. My dear, sweet classmates estimated that I had biblically known most of the student body, and were quite happy to broadcast the diseased results of my supposedly fickle love life.   
GA: Huh   
TT: Even the niche I crawled into, that dully lit crack in the earth that contained nothing but Bauhaus, onyx eyeliner, and spent cigarette butts, was scarcely a refuge. My little circle of fellow malcontents hated themselves and each other as fervently as they hated the establishment, if not more so. Joining them at the lunch table, one never knew who your friends would be that day; you never knew what strange new factions would arise, you never knew how they would change based on who was infatuated with whom, or who was a true, blackhearted nihilist and who was deemed a mere “poseur”. And so little irony and self-awareness from the supposed counter-culture! One would think we were always at war with Eurasia the way we would redraw the battle lines everyday.   
GA: That  
GA: Is Really Sucky  
TT: Indeed it was. As I said, I only stayed for six months. In the fifth month, I idly browsed an IRC channel and I chanced upon meet a trio of fellow youths. Who could have foreseen the bonds we would forge together? Indeed, I could not; my time with my mother taught me that family could not be relied upon to place their supposed loved ones above their own neuroses, and my self-imposed sentence in the institutionalized juvenile hall deceptively labeled “middle school” suggested that friendship was analogous to a racist prison gang; you had your confederates, but they based their membership requirements upon equal parts superficiality and a cynical potential for manipulation.  
TT: Before that fifth month, I would have scarcely believed you if you told me that a quiet, dark spit of a girl could consort with a boy who loved bad movies and apologized for nothing, or with a boy who listened to Wu-Tang Clan and rapped about Ben Stiller, or a hermit girl who pirated satellite feeds every Saturday morning and watched Spongebob while consuming her favorite artificially flavored cereal. Certainly this small culture could never survive in the petri dish of Washington Irving Middle School. And I wondered if this, too, was not merely another set of phantom acquaintances, ready to dissipate without warning.  
TT: Yet within weeks I had more confidence and trust in these faceless strangers than I had ever had with my flesh-and-blood peers—a trust that has yet to fail me. So in the cold, twilight months of 2007, I saluted my alma mater with the long fingers of my hands, and I left without a second’s hesitation.  
TT: My, that was a bit longer than I anticipated. Apologies.   
GA: No  
GA: Yer Fine  
TT: Kanaya?  
TT: Are you still there?  
TT: If you are deferring to my rather extended anecdote, you may stop. I’ve said my piece on the matter.   
GA: Yeah Im Here  
GA: So  
GA: People Kinda Give Ya The Shaft In Person Huh  
TT: It was a dark and rather dull chapter of my life, but it’s over, thankfully.   
GA: Thats Good  
GA: N I Guess Your Fellow Players Treat Ya A Lot Better Than That  
TT: I assume that you are referring to my friends? Yes, they are more than I could’ve possibly requested from life.   
GA: Do Ya Think They Might Talk With Me If I Made Nice With Em  
TT: I thought you weren’t interested in friendship with them?   
GA: Well  
GA: Maybe I Was Bein Hasty  
GA: Now I Aint Movin From My Original Position With Jade  
GA: But Maybe The Other Two  
GA: I Mean If Everybody Else Treats Ya Like A Hoe But They Got Ya Back Maybe They Aint All Bad  
GA: Maybe Theyd Be Good To Talk To  
TT: Might I ask if you have any particular reason for your attachment to that word?   
GA: What Word  
TT: “Hoe.” You’ve been using it quite frequently.   
GA: Oh That Aint Nothin  
GA: Thats Just Somethin Pretty Much Everybody Says  
GA: Right  
GA: ?   
TT: Not really. In my culture, it’s typically used by the especially misogynistic.   
GA: Oh  
TT: I haven’t even seen that many of your friends use it while I’ve talked with them.   
GA: Friends  
GA: ?   
TT: Your “Fellow Players”?   
GA: Oh  
GA: Yeah  
GA: I Guess Maybe I Just Heard It A Lot More From Trolls On My Home Planet  
TT: In what context did they typically use it?   
GA: Know What This Is Borin Lets Change The Subject  
GA: I Mean Just Listen To You  
GA: In What Context Pfft  
GA: What You Gonna Drop Some Heavy Sociological Bullshit Concernin My Society  
TT: No, I was planning on focusing the discussion on you.   
GA: Well Then Thats Even Dumber  
GA: !  
GA: I Mean We Already Established Im Totes Cool N That I Really Got Nothin To Talk About  
GA: Yep Miss Maryam Is Definitely All Sane In The Membrane N Shit  
TT: I suppose.   
GA: So Lets Definitely Find Somethin Else To Talk About  
GA: How About That Jade Girl  
GA: What Kinda Stuff She Like  
TT: I thought you said you were uninterested in friendship?   
GA: Well I  
GA: I Went N Changed My Mind  
GA: Im Very Changeable  
GA: Now Suddenly Alls I Wanna Do Is Be  
GA: Frrr  
GA: Friieeennds  
GA: With Her  
TT: I fear I must doubt your sincerity. I mean, you struggled to get that word out—and in textual form, no less. How does such a thing even happen? How intoxicated must one even be?   
GA: No I Mean It Seriously  
GA: Mostly  
GA: Kinda  
GA: I Mean Even If I Dont Really Like Her Per Se Theres Nothin Wrong With Just Askin A Little Bit About Her  
GA: Hell Theres Only So Much Ya Can Know About A Girl By Starin At A Lil Window On Yer Computer Screen  
GA: N Ya Know I Keep Tryin To Engage Her  
GA: But She Keeps Givin Me The Cold Shoulder  
GA: I Aint Lyin When I Say Im Genuinely Curious About Her Interests  
GA: So Why Not Help A Gurl Out Huh  
GA: ?   
TT: ...   
GA: Okay WTF Is With That Right There  
TT: ...   
GA: The Fuck Is With That  
TT: ...   
GA: Rose Why Ya Makin The Effort Of Expressin Silence Via Typed Ellipses Yer Actin Hella Creeptastic  
TT: ...You like Jade.  
TT: Don’t you, Kanaya?   
GA: I  
GA: I  
GA: I  
GA: Thats Absurd  
GA: Totes Untrue  
GA: N Ya Know What Else  
GA: I Dont Even Like Her  
GA: At All  
GA: I Lied  
GA: !  
GA: I Am A Liar  
GA: A Liar Is Me  
GA: She Is Absolutely Terrible  
GA: With Her Stupid Ugly Reminder Rings  
GA: N Her Ugly Juttin Dull Ass Buckteeth  
GA: And Her Stupid Stupid Stupid  
GA: Oh Golly Gee I Love Everything Lets All Be Friends!!!!!!!! :D :D :D  
GA: Goddamn Stupid Typin Style  
GA: Only Reason I Was Askin Was Cause I Wanted To Know What She Loved  
GA: So I Could Destroy It Right In Front Of Her  
GA: So There I Guess You Aint So Smart  
GA: Thinkin Im Red Fer Jade Pfffft  
TT: Oh, dear, you’re right, Kanaya. Strike one for me.  
TT: A modified hypothesis: you’re in hate with her.   
GA: Wha  
GA: How Would Ya  
GA: I Thought Humans Didnt Even Have Black Romances  
TT: We don’t.   
GA: Then How The Fuck Could You Even Know Thats A Thing  
TT: I didn’t really know, so much as I theorized.  
TT: And I wouldn’t have been able to do that if you hadn’t solicited me earlier. So thank you, Kanaya, for proving to be the instrument of your own undoing.   
GA: Oh Fuck You  
GA: Fuck You N Fuck Yer Stupid Mind Games  
GA: Its None Of Yer Business  
GA: Yer A Bitch Lalonde  
TT: Oh, heavens, no! Now I know Miss Maryam fancies tan little island girls! Oh, I could put this to so much ill use, if only it weren’t for the facts that there is literally no mischief to possibly be had, and I have absolutely no interest in abusing it.   
GA: Ya Dont Get It  
GA: Ya Dont Play Mind Games With People Goddamn It  
GA: Ya Dont Toy With Peoples Hearts N Heads Like That  
GA: You Fuckin Evil Bitch  
TT: Lighten up, Kanaya. It’s nothing. I wasn’t exactly interrogating you. I mean, it was just a fortuitous guess. I really doubt that nobody knows; I mean, if I, a stranger to your culture, was able to derive the correct secret from your demeanor, I imagine the other trolls probably already know.   
GA: Well The Jokes On You Aint It Hoe  
GA; Because Guess What  
GA: Nobody Else  
GA: Nobody On This Asteroid N Nobody On Earth  
GA: Nobody  
GA: Nobody At All  
GA: Nobody Else Cares Enough About The Stupid Slutty Jade Hoe To Notice Her Stupid Lil Interspecies Crush  
GA: It Turns Out That Everybody Else Is Smart Enough To Leave The Freak Alone N Get On With Their Lives  
GA: Except For You  
GA: Yer The Only One Dumb Enough To Wanna Bug Me  
GA: So Ha  
GA: Fuckin  
GA: Ha  
TT: I’m not entirely sure what I just did, but I apologize.   
GA: Fuck You  
GA: You Aint Sorry  
GA: Nobody Ever Is  
GA: Fuck You  
TT: Kanaya, please. I apologize, truly. I was being flippant, and I was more callous with your feelings than you deserved.   
GA: I Dont Deserve Nothin  
GA: Stop Bullshittin Me   
TT: Let’s talk about it.  
GA: No   
TT: It will make you feel better.   
GA: No It Wont   
TT: I’ll send you links to an assortment of Spengbab pictures.   
GA: I Dont Even Know What That Is   
TT: Well, Spengbab is a grotesque, vulgar parody of the cartoon Spongebob Squarepants.  
TT: Jade loves Spongebob. It would make for a fine courtship.   
GA: ...Ya Know I Could Just Google It N Just Leave Right Now Without Sayin A Word  
TT: Yes, you could. If you truly desire to do so, I will respect your wishes, and we’ll stop.   
GA: Okay  
GA: Ill Talk  
GA: But I Aint A Freak  
TT: Of course you aren’t. Of course you aren’t.   
GA: So I Guess Ya Decided To Play Matchmaker Between Me N Jade  
TT: If you made your intentions clear to Jade, I might be inclined to do so. I don’t know if she could really reciprocate your feelings or not, but it would make her feel better knowing that your animosity is based upon attraction and not true contempt.   
GA: Ya Don’t Think Thats Comin On A Bit Strong  
TT: Because you haven’t been aggressive in your pursuit of her thus far?   
GA: Yeah Okay I Guess I Can Just Come Out With It  
GA: I Mean Hell Itll Be A Load Off My Shoulders  
GA: If Shes Into It Great N If Not I Can Just Move On  
TT: That sounds like an excellent course of action.  
TT: Do you think that now we may proceed with discussing your conflict with your co-players?   
GA: Co-Players  
GA: Heh  
GA: Try The Whole Damn Species  
TT: Tell me about it. Expound about the situation.   
GA: Okay  
GA: Guess Itd Be Best To Just Get The Obvious Thing Out Of The Way  
GA: Dont Like The Idea Of Being Defined By It But When Ya Think About It My Life Woulda Been Totes Different If I Werent  
GA: Well   
TT: Yes?   
GA: Im Not Like The Other Trolls  
GA: Never Have Been  
GA: N Its Been Hangin Over Me My Entire Life  
TT: I know it’s hard, but I really need you to clarify what’s wrong.   
GA: Aint Nothin Is Wrong With Me  
GA: Its Just  
GA: I Dont Fit In With How A Trolls Supposed To Act  
TT: How so?   
GA: Maybe You Need To Know Where Im Comin From On This  
GA: You Still Dont Know What The Quadrants Are  
GA: Know What Lets Reschedule N You Can Talk To Somebody Else About What The Quadrants Are N Then We Can Come Back N Do This Shit Proper Like  
TT: Kanaya, you’re stalling.  
TT: I understand that you have difficulty discussing this, but we won’t get anywhere unless we actually achieve some forward motion.  
TT: I know I am being insistent, but I am just stating things as I see them.   
GA: Fuck Youre Right  
GA: N Here Id Always Promised Myself I Wasnt Gonna Act All Ashamed N Shit When It Came To This Topic  
GA: The Fucks Wrong With Me  
GA: Okay Lets Just Air This Shit Out  
GA: Here Goes  
GA: I Like  
GA: Everythin  
GA: At The Same Time  
GA: Well There It Is  
TT: I don’t think I understand what you’re saying.   
GA: Well How About Ya Find Out The Same Way I Did  
GA: When I Was Real Little Me N My Lusus  
GA: Thats Like A Guardian For Newborn Trolls Who Pass The Initial Tests FYI  
GA: Well We Was Watchin A Motion Document For Wigglers  
GA: Little Fairy Tale Princess Type Shit  
GA: First Time Im Seein It N Suddenly Like  
GA: *That*  
GA: It Hits Me  
GA: I Realize I Got A Crush On Both The Prince N The Princess  
TT: Go on.   
GA: Now Im Young So I Dont Know Much About Nothin  
GA: N I Dont Get How People Are Gonna React To Stuff Like This For The Next Six Sweeps  
GA: So I Up N Tell My Lusus That I Like Those Two Like A Whole Lot  
GA: N She Thinks Its Just Cute As Globes At First  
GA: Figures I Got Jealous Of One Of Em N That Made Me Go Black For The Other One  
GA: So She Asks Me Which One Im Red For N Which One Im Black For  
GA: N Like It Aint Nothin  
GA: Which It Aint  
GA: I Just Say That Im Red For Both Of Them  
GA: Suddenly She Stops Smilin N Just Sort Of Backs Away From Me  
GA: Just Hoverin Away From My General Direction  
GA: N Things Between Us Werent Never The Same Again  
GA: Story Of My Fuckin Life  
TT: I think I got the gist of that, but there’s still a lot that I don’t understand.  
TT: What do you mean by red and black, and how would that adversely affect your relationship with your parental unit?   
GA: Okay I Was Hopin We Could Do This Without Resortin To The Antimatter Option  
GA: But We Really Cant Get Any Further Less Ya Understand Some Basic Things Bout Troll Culture N How Im Apparently A Shameless Harlot For Calling Em Out As Bullshit  
GA: Call Up Nepeta Real Quick N Ask Her To Explain The Quadrants For Ya  
TT: Why Nepeta? Why not you?   
GA: Because I Dont Give A Shit About Em  
GA: But Nepeta Gives All The Shits  
GA: All Of Em  
GA: I Dont Trust Myself To Take This Bullshit Seriously  
GA: Id Be All Like  
GA: Herrrrrrrr When Two Trolls Pity Each Other Very Very Much They Fart Fart Fart Fart Fart  
GA: Fart Fart Fart  
GA: Fart  
GA: See I Really Tried That Time N I Couldnt Even Finish A Single Sentence  
GA: So Go Bother Nepeta For A While N Then Once Shes Done Talking Ya Ear Off Get Yer Ass Back Here  
TT: Alright. Just know that I don’t relish the thought of talking with her.   
GA: Oh Dont I Fucking Know It  
GA: Dont Worry About Her Usual Bitchiness Though  
GA: Bitch Loves The Shit Out Of Those Quadrants  
GA: Shes A Totally Different Person When Shes Talkin About Her Stupid Ships  
GA: Aint Sayin Youre Gonna Actually Enjoy It  
GA: Just Sayin That If You Humored Her Bullshit Obsession N You Were Talkin In Person  
GA: Shed Probably Try N Eat Your Nook Then N There  
TT: Thank you for that warning, Kanaya. I will return momentarily.   
GA: Good Luck Gurl  
\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] has logged off --  
\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] has logged on --  
TT: Oh my god, that was terrible.   
GA: Yeah Gurl Im Sorry As Fuck Bout That  
GA: But At Least You Know What Quadrants Are Right  
TT: I know more about quadrants than I never needed to know.   
GA: Ha Ha Yeah She Can Be Pretty Bad  
TT: I apologize for the wait lasting longer than I intended. After hearing all of that, I needed to brew some tea to clear my head.   
GA: Naw Gurl Its Cool  
TT: So apparently trolls can never mate without committing incest?   
GA: That A Problem  
TT: It would be if humans operated on the same system. Our genetic code would gradually get beaten to a pulp through repeated inbreeding over generations. Yet somehow we are different enough on a basic genetic label that it doesn’t affect your species.   
GA: Anything Else Ya Want Me To Fill Ya In On  
TT: Out of curiosity, what is the cause of your disdain for traditional troll mating rituals? I would like to know what your rationale is for your opinion of it.   
GA: Well Basically Its Just A Really Arbitrarily Weird System To Me  
GA: I Mean Ya Just Found Out What Radically Different Romantic Systems We Got Tween Our Species  
GA: So Ya Get Where Im Comin From When I Say It Makes No Sense To Me  
TT: Yes, but that’s because I’m human. Is your dislike of the traditional system an innate feeling, or is there some philosophy to it?   
GA: Theres Bits of Both To It  
GA: Ive Definitely Always Felt That Way About Other Trolls But As I Got Older I Started Thinkin The Whole Quadrant System Is Kinda Stupid As Hell  
GA: I Mean Ill Play By It If A Partner Believes In It  
GA: Cause Despite Rumors To The Contrary I Aint Settin Out To Be A Hivewrecker  
GA: But Holy Shit Theres Got To Be A Better Way Of Dealing With Romance  
TT: Explain.   
GA: Well Lets Get Mathematical Up In Here  
GA: Ya Got Twelve Trolls Here In The Asteroid N At Some Point Were Gonna Have To Deal With The Fact That We N The Matriorb Are All Thats Left Of The Species N Then Were Gonna Have To Get Busyyyyyyy  
GA: So We Now Have Troll Society Expressed In A Convenient As Shit Microcosm N We Can Start To See Where Things Start To Go Wrong  
GA: Ideally Each Troll Is Supposed To Have All Their Quadrants Full Or Else They Are Considered To Be Romantically Incomplete  
GA: So That Means Each Troll Has To Have Five Partners Over All  
GA: None Of These Partners Can Overlap  
GA: N Im Basically The Only One Wholl Admit To Findin You Humans Attractive So Lets Assume Were Stuck With The Twelve Of Us  
GA: If All Of Us Is Gonna Be Happy  
GA: (Considerin That Is An Impossibility For A Troll With Incomplete Quadrants Accordin To Tradition)  
GA: We Gotta Put Together This Elaborate Ass Network Of Relationships That Everybodys Gotta Navigate Through  
GA: Its A Complex Ecosystem Where Nobody Can Make A Move Without Sending Massive Ripples Through The Whole Damn System  
GA: N Theres Tons Of Potential Complications  
GA: If One Of Us Should Turn Out To Be Attracted To Just The One Gender  
GA: N I Know For Sure That Theres At Least One Of Us Who Is  
GA: Then That Trolls Gotta Lock Up The Other Five Trolls Who Share That Gender Reducin The Flexibility Of This Network  
GA: Also Some Trolls Might Not Be Capable Of Experiencing Certain Quadrants  
GA: Feferi Could Very Well Be Too Psycho N Too Sneaky To Hold Down A Long Term Auspisticism  
GA: More Likely Shed Just Get Around The Middle N Either Fuck Or Skewer Her Opposite  
GA: Maybe Both Simultaneously  
GA: Which Sucks For Her Because Shes Def Too Bitchy To Be The Middle  
GA: N I Really Got Trouble Believin That Karkat Can Do Black Relationships Anymore  
TT: Anymore?   
GA: Long Sad Story  
GA: Maybe Another Time  
GA: Another Problem Is That Sometimes Trolls Wind Up Crushin On Things That Is Unattainable Or Abstract  
GA: Most People Would Classify Jade N Me As Such Considerin The Literal Universes Between Us  
GA: Or Me N My Prince N Princess To Refer To My Earlier Example  
GA: N Like Aradia Could For Serious Be Flushed For Death Or Eridan Might Love Science Too Much To Hook Up With An Actual Person  
GA: N Oh God Help Us If Somebody Starts Quadrant Flippin  
GA: Because Then The Whole System Soils Itself N Screams Bloody Anarchy  
GA: Like Say Everyones Successfully Set Up All Four Ways  
GA: Which Is A Massive Fuckin Achievement Lemme Tell Ya  
GA: So Me N Nepeta Is Black Together  
GA: Whats More Lets Be Real Generous N Say Nepeta Gets Her Wish N Is Red With Karkat  
GA: Karkats Black With Terezi In Our Hypothetical Example  
GA: But One Day They Flip Out N Turn Red  
GA: Now Nepeta N Karkat Both Got An Empty Quadrant N They Got Three Options Now  
GA: 1: They Give No Fucks About Full Quadrants N Move The Hell On With Their Lives  
GA: (Which Is Seemingly Impossible According To Nepeta)  
GA: 2: They Decide To Break The Interspecies Taboo N Hook Up With A Human  
GA: (Also Impossible To Her)  
GA: Or 3: They Turn Black For Each Other To Fill Up That Empty Space Till Things Set Themselves Right  
GA: So Nep Fakes Hatin On Karkat  
GA: However This Means That Nepetas Not Only Got An Empty Flushed Quadrant But Shes Also Cheating On Me N Karkat  
GA: Like I Care  
GA: But You Can Bet She Does  
GA: So The Best Thing She Can Do Now Is Try N Fake Bein Red For Me Too  
GA: N Youve Seen Her Creepy Ass Idea Of Red Romance  
GA: All Threatenin Everybody With A Pulse  
GA: Because I Dont Get Enough Of That Already  
GA: N Oh God You Can Scarcely Imagine The Cuddlin  
GA: So Much  
GA: Cuddlin  
GA: Blargh  
GA: So She Aint Happy  
GA: I Certainly Aint Happy  
GA: We Fucked Up Good  
GA: N That Was A Closed Loop  
GA: Therell Inevitably Be Some Connections That Reach Out Every Which Way  
GA: So One Single Quadrant Flip Could Easily Start A Chain Reaction Where Everybody Else Has To Flip If They Dont Wanna Cheat By Accident  
GA: Which Is Obvi Problematic  
TT: Fascinating.  
TT: Once again, I find this line of dialog to be extremely reminiscent of someone you profess to hate.   
GA: Gurl  
GA: Do Not  
GA: Fuckin  
GA: Go There  
GA: I Dont Wanna Have To Be Caligy For The Entire Survivin Female Half Of Yer Species  
TT: Oh yes, you fellows insist that the apocalypse is imminent. I’d almost forgotten.  
TT: But fret not. I shall shutter my thoughts on the subject.   
GA: Thanks For That  
GA: But Yeah That Pretty Much Sums It Up  
GA: Its A Stupidly Rigid System That Makes Life Miserable N Complicated For Everybody  
GA: I Figure It Mightve Needlessly Killed Off Thousands If Not Millions Of Our Species Over Time Because Of How Damn Violent The Whole Thing Is  
GA: I Try To Respect These Other Guys For Their Beliefs  
GA: Even If So Many Of Em Are So Shitty About Mine  
GA: But Were It Up To Me Wed Just Skip The Quadrants Skip The Buckets Grab One Of These  
GA: http://tinyurl.com/cd6m9ed  
GA: N Go To Work Repopulatin The Species  
TT: Which members of your team are you having problems with?  
GA: Well The Ones Who Really Hate Me Are Nepeta N Sollux  
GA: Nepetas All Like Bluh Bluh Quadrants Bluh Bluh Made For Each Other  
GA: N Obvi Sollux Aint Into Anythin That Dont Fly With His Religion  
GA: I Wouldnt Touch Feferi With A Nine Foot Pole Obvi  
GA: But Thats About It For Real Hate  
GA: Everyone Else Is Either Weirded Out Or Theyre Just Too Busy With Their Own Shit  
GA: Karkats Cool But I Cant Talk With Him Too Much Anymore Without Settin Off Nepeta Thinkin Ima Molest His Ass  
GA: N So Is Eridan But When He Aint Workin On His Own Projects Or Keepin Feferi From Bein A Complete Bitch Gamzees Got Him Doin Some Bullshit I Dont Even Pretend To Understand  
GA: Ya Never Hear From Him Anymore  
GA: Man All Of Us Are Sufferin Without Eridan Around  
GA: I Tell Ya If He Thought The Way I Do About Quadrants Aint Nobody Would Start Shit  
GA: Not Even Nepeta  
TT: Why is that?   
GA: Man Because Eridan Is Like Grub Sauce  
GA: That Shit Goes Great With Everythin  
GA: Whenever You Sit His Ass Down For Some Therapy You Gotta Tell Me All About It  
GA: I Think You Two Would Really Hit It Off  
TT: Hmm. I’ll think about that. But please, continue.   
GA: Well Terezi N I Always Got Along Alright Since We Got A Similar Distaste For Authority But When The Demon Appeared She Got All Weird  
GA: You Saw What That Turned Into  
TT: While we’re on the subject, is Terezi doing any better at present?   
GA: Honestly  
GA: Not By Much  
GA: For A Little Bit After That Scare She Seemed Okay  
GA: But Now Shes Gone All Quiet N Shit  
GA: Me N Vriska Try N Keep Her Company N Keep That Creepy Ass Hoe Aradia From Gettin In Her Head Again  
GA: I Feel Like An Asshole For Ever Letting Her Talk To Terezi In The First Place  
GA: But Mostly She Just Lies Around Staring Into Space  
GA: Well Not Staring But Ya Get The Idea  
GA: Ya Can Almost Hear The Gears Turning In Her Head  
GA: Still Tryin To Figure Out A Solution To This Mess   
TT: Well, I guess that’s sort of constructive, in a certain sense.   
GA: I Guess  
GA: Im Still Kinda Freakin Out Though  
GA: While She Was Sleepin At One Point I Looked Through Her Notes  
GA: For A Second I Thought Id Accidentally Snatched Nepetas Shippin Chart Bullshit  
GA: Cause There Was This Flowchart With Xes Drawn Through A Lot Of Our Names  
GA: N Sometimes I Hear Her Mumblin  
GA: I Dunno What All Thats About  
TT: Hmm. I’ll inquire about that when she turns up in the queue.   
GA: Just As Long As You Didnt Hear It From Me  
TT: So by my tally, that leaves just Vriska, Makara, that rascally Equius fellow I’ve heard so much about, and...  
TT: ...who have I mislaid...  
TT: Ah, yes, this adiosToreador person.   
GA: Ya Havent Met Tavros Yet  
GA: Lol  
TT: What warrants your expression of hilarity, Kanaya?   
GA: Oh Man  
GA: I Cant Wait To See This Transcript  
TT: Why is that?   
GA: Tavros  
GA: Man Tavros Is Just Entirely Too Much  
GA: Lets Just Leave At That  
GA: Oh Gods Itll Be Glorious  
TT: Your bemusement strikes me as somewhat ominous.  
TT: Could you give me a warning about I’m getting into next session?   
GA: Uh Uh  
GA: No Way  
GA: No Spoilers  
GA: Man I Got The Giggs Already  
TT: Well. Since troll amusement seems to involve an element of sadism, and since I can apparently do nothing to mitigate my suffering, let’s focus on those last three.   
GA: Uh Can We Really Not  
TT: If you really don’t want to, I suppose.  
TT: Would I be out of line suggesting that there are some personal issues involved with them?   
GA: Suggest Whatevs Ya Want  
GA: I Wont Confirm Or Deny Nothin  
TT: I see.  
TT: Well, since we seem to have reached a good stopping point, I wonder if you would be so kind as to show me your progress with the phony transcript?   
GA: Sure No Problem  
GA: Kay Here We Go  
\-- GA sent TT the file Excerpt.txt --  
Beginning file... 

GA: Oh God What Will I Do I Am Beyond All Redemption  
GA: I Am A Fallen Woman N I Am Shamin My Species N Yet I Dont Know How To Stop This Shit  
GA: See I Cant Even Stop Cussin Like An Uncouth Biyatch  
GA: Oh Please Doctor Whatever Will I Do  
TT: Alright, Kanaya, relax. We’re going to begin some intensive therapy to help relieve all of this pent-up stress.  
TT: First, disrobe. Cotton fibers collect stress particles, which aggregate over time, causing the wearer to develop signs of aggression, frustration, and various other signs of illin’.   
GA: That Is Perfectly Logical N In No Way Contradicts Scientific Fact  
TT: Indeed. I shall likewise disrobe so that you do not feel uncomfortable.  
TT: This is also perfectly acceptable doctor-patient behavior.  
TT: Please continue to describe your feelings whilst I adorn myself with whipped cream.  
GA: Oh Doctor You Are So Amazin I Dont Deserve Yer Help Considerin All The Fuckin Around I Did  
GA: Oh How I Mustve Shamed My Lusus With My Fuckin Around What The Fuck Would She Even Be Thinkin She Must Be Screamin Up From Hell Right Fuckin Now  
GA: Thank God I Got A Big Strong Highblood Man Lookin After My Wanton Ass Or I Dont Even Know What Shit Ida Gotten Myself Into Boo Hoo Hoo  
TT: Ooh, that rapscallion! He vexes me so, and yet I cannot bring myself to truly hate him, as my fear grossly outweighs my anger! I must vent this impotent anger via the use of my trusty riding crop!  
TT: Kanaya, never let yourself forget how truly fortunate you are to have a Highblood looking after you! He is not being creepy or overbearing at all, obviously, and you should always remember that!  
GA: Hell Yeah Doctor I Dont Know What I Did To Deserve Him  
GA: Motherfuckin Godsend N Shit

End of file.  
GA: So What Ya Think   
TT: I...might have to edit in my own dialogue later. You know, for increased realism.   
GA: Whatever You Thinks Best  
GA: Hey Maybe I Can Help Ya With The Other Guys Transcripts So Ya Can Get Em Some Motherfuckin Private Time  
GA: I Can Do A Kick Ass Vriska  
TT: I’ll have to think about it.  
TT: I’ll have to do something to get my clients some privacy, that’s for certain.  
TT: But your excerpt raises a question in my mind.  
TT: I’ve heard “matesprit” before, unfortunately.  
TT: And you said “highblood.”  
TT: Are you and Gamzee lovers?   
GA: Ugh  
GA: That Was In There Wasnt It  
GA: Fuck  
GA: Yeah Technically We Is Red Together  
GA: Its Complicated  
TT: I’m only asking because you seem to speak poorly of him.   
GA: Well Why The Fuck Shouldnt I Youve Talked To Him  
GA: Hes A Crazy Powerhungry Asshole Who Likes Hurtin People  
TT: That is precisely why I am asking. What exactly do you see in him, anyway?   
GA: Now That Is The Motherfuckin Ultimate Riddle Right There Aint It  
GA: I Mean Sure Hes Attractive But Holy Shit That Personality  
TT: I think that part of the reason I’m surprised is that he didn’t mention anything about your relationship in the briefing he sent me. Instead, he was talking about race purity, and the survival of the troll races, or some such hogwash.   
GA: Sigh  
GA: Yeah That Sure Sounds Like Gamzee   
TT: Do you mind if we talk about it?  
GA: Know What  
GA: Not Only Do I Not Mind Im Glad I Finally Get To Talk With Somebody Bout This Stupid Bullshit  
GA: Lets Fuckin Do This  
GA: I Guess All It Started When The Game Began  
GA: Id Heard People Talk About Him N They Were Sayin Pretty Much What Youd Expect  
GA: But When We Actually Met I Had To Wonder If Maybe They Werent All Full Of Shit  
GA: Motherfucker Seemed So  
GA: Graceful  
GA: Gentle  
GA: ?  
GA: I Dunno He Just Didnt Seem Like The Ultimate Jack Off Is What Im Sayin  
GA: All Smilin N Polite N Shit  
GA: N Sweet Condesce Did He Have A Protective Streak  
GA: If Ever An Imp Or Whatever Got Near Me Motherfucker Just Ended Him Right Then N There  
GA: For A While I Was Way Behind Him On The Echeladder Because The Son Of A Bitch Kept Killin Anythin In Thirty Feet Of Me Before I Could Get Any Grist Or Any Fuckin Thing  
GA: Started Feelin Bad For The Ugly Lil Guys After A While  
GA: Lookin Back It Was Pretty Fuckin Obvi That He Had Flushed Intentions  
GA: N I Was Startin To Feel The Same Way Even  
GA: But Then We Hooked Up With The Rest Of The Group  
GA: I Mean I Look Away For A Second N When I Turn Back Its Like Theres A Totally Different Motherfucker Standin There  
GA: He Seized Up N Never Smiled Just Kept Orderin People Around N Threatenin Them  
GA: N The Motherfucker Treated Me The Exact Same Way Like He Hadnt Been Playin All Gentleman Caller The Whole Time We Was Alone  
GA: N After We Split Up Again To Do This Stupid Black Queen Plan That He Took Credit For  
GA: We Was Alone Again N Suddenly Hes Mister May I Take Your Hand Miss Maryam Again  
GA: Like Nothin Even Happened  
GA: N Then We Reach This Point Where The Game Was Split Second Life N Death  
GA: N He Asks To Make It Official In Case We Dont Make It Out  
GA: So I Figure What The Hell  
GA: Back Then I Thought That I Was Making Him Act Different  
GA: Bringin Out The Better Part Of Him  
GA: But Then He Explains What The Fucks Goin On  
GA: Motherfucker Says That We Is Involved In Courtly Love  
GA: A Forbidden Relationship Between High Blood N Jade Blood  
GA: N That No One Can Ever Know  
GA: I Ask Why The Fuck It Needs To Be Forbidden Nobody Fuckin Cares This Is Stupid  
GA: So He Fuckin Flinches Because Ive Suddenly Shaken The Foundation Of Our Dumb Little Relationship  
GA: Just Looked So Sad  
GA: Like Id Just Pissed In His Chilled Curd Substance  
GA: N So I Go Along With It Like A Goddamn Chump  
GA: Now I Realize What A Fool Ive Been  
GA: Kept Pitying That Motherfucker So Hard I Thought I Was Gonna Change Him  
GA: N Now Ive Been Trapped In One Of The Oldest N Dumbest Fuckin Romantic Institutions Ever Devised By Our Culture  
GA: Oh N Even Better:  
GA: Motherfucker Thinks The Exact Same Thing About Me That I Did About Him  
GA: Thinks He Can Change Me  
GA: Wants To Me To Be His Pure Blushin Porcelain Doll  
GA: “Dont Fuckin Curse Kanaya”  
GA: "Ya Cant Hang Out With Other Trolls Cuz They Might Take Advantage Of Ya Kanaya"  
GA: “Kanaya Why You Always Gotta Embarrass Me N Dress So Immodestly”  
GA: Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck  
GA: Fuck This Fragile Virgin Bullshit  
GA: I Been Called A Hoe My Entire Fuckin Life But Its This Betrothed Bullshit That Finally Makes Me Ashamed Of Myself  
TT: I’m sorry to hear all this. It’s never easy when a relationship turns out like this.   
GA: Worst Thing Is That Im Not Even Sure If He Really Likes Me In The First Place  
GA: I Mean When Were Alone Together Hes Still Playin The Romantic Beau With Poetry N Shit Like That  
GA: But Listen To This Bullshit  
GA: “ ‘Gainst roiling sun and burning sands,  
GA: Alone, my pale jade flower stands.  
GA: Wet with the blood of her fallen foes  
GA: A rainbow drinker in studied repose.  
GA: And never the sun shall stain her fair flesh,  
GA: Nor reduce her graceful frame to ash,  
GA: But Immortal, my goddess will ever stand,  
GA: As we watch the dying of this land.”   
TT: He wrote that for you?   
GA: Yeah  
GA: Wait Ya Dont Think That Was Actually Sweet Do You  
TT: Perhaps a little? Am I not supposed to?   
GA: Wasnt Exactly The Reaction I Was Looking For No  
TT: Maybe it just seems more cordial because it’s coming from him. It’s so at odds with his typical pomposity.   
GA: No Bitch It Lines Up With His Stupid Highblood Racial Narrative Exactly  
GA: Ima Give You The Benefit Of The Doubt N Explain What Exactly Is Going On Here  
GA: Reread That Fuckin Thing  
GA: Does He Actually Mention Anythin Bout My Personality  
GA: Or Bout Our Relationship  
GA: For Fucks Sake Does He Use Any Motherfuckin Physical Descriptors Besides My Fuckin Skin N Blood Color  
GA: No He Does Not  
TT: Oh. I think that I understand what you’re saying. He’s fetishizing your blood color, isn’t he?   
GA: N Lalonde Barely Avoids Being Placed On The Slow As Fuck List Along With The Other Humans  
GA: Yeah This Motherfuckers Got Jade Fever Bad  
GA: Got Me Bout A Thousand Fuckin Sonnets N Villanelles N Shit All Based Around The Same Fuckin Thing  
GA: My Stupid Fuckin Blood Color N How Rare N Precious I Am For It  
GA: Now I Aint Exactly Immune To Superficial Flattery Ill Cop To That  
GA: If A Motherfucker Wants To Write About My Body Or My Fashion Sense Or If They Lose Their Goddamn Mind Over My Horns Or Whatever  
GA: Then Yeah I Am All Up To Hear About That  
GA: But This Shit  
GA: Man I Dont Even Think My Body Appeals To Him So Much As The Idea Of Bangin A Jade Blood  
GA: Or Not Bangin Her As Its Turned Out So Far  
GA: Like What If I Was A Different Blood Color  
GA: Hell What If I Was Just A Shade Off Like A Slime Blood Or Somethin  
GA: Id Look The Same Id Act The Same Even If I Couldnt Go Outside Durin The Day  
GA: But I Get This Sick Feelin That Hed Never Even Notice Me If Not For The Fact That Jade Bloods Aint That Common  
GA: Like Im Some Exotic Toy To The Guy  
GA: I Mean What Does He Even Think I Think Of Him  
GA: Is It Like  
GA: “Ooh Mistah Makara Please Dont Violate Me With Your Big Indigo Bulge”  
GA: Is That What He Thinks Of Me  
GA: I Am So Fuckin Sick Of This Shit  
TT: Then why don’t you call it off? If you don’t think that Gamzee likes you for who you are, why are you still involved with him?   
GA: Motherfuckin Million Boondollar Question Right There  
GA: Honestly If The Game Were Over N If This Whole Fucked Up Political Bullshit Wasnt Goin Down  
GA: Then Id Probably Have Ended It By Now  
GA: I Think  
TT: You think?   
GA: Yeah  
GA: Its Hella Stupid But  
GA: Even Though Our Entire Motherfuckin Relationship Is Based On This Stupid Jade Shit  
GA: Sometimes I Think He Shows Me A Part Of Himself He Dont Show To Anybody Else  
GA: I Mean Yeah He Aint Perfect  
GA: N If Theres Any Good In Him Then Its Probably Buried Under Mountains Of Murderous Rage  
GA: But Sometimes I Think That Maybe Hes Just This Huge Dork Inside  
GA: N If He Hadnt Been Raised To Believe Hes The Goddamn Ubertroll Then Maybe Hed Be Kinda Cool To Chill With  
GA: I Keep Thinkin He Could Get Better One Day But It Never Happens  
GA: The Reason I Freaked Out On You When We Was Startin Was Cause I Thought Maybe He Was Finally Loosenin Up Just A Lil Bit  
GA: But Nope  
GA: Just One More False Hope  
GA: Man  
GA: Im Pathetic Aint I  
TT: No, it’s fairly common to feel an emotional attachment, even in unsatisfactory and abusive relationships. Still, I think that you should think logically about this. Maintaining a relationship to change someone rarely, if ever, works out in my culture. No person can be forced to sincerely change themselves by any outside party; they must decide on that for themselves. My opinion, if I may proffer it, is that if Gamzee is still too embarrassed to acknowledge your relationship in public, then he probably isn’t willing to change for your sake.   
GA: Youre Probably Right  
GA: Still  
TT: You mentioned something about politics earlier. Could you expand on that for me?   
GA: Ugh  
GA: Do I Gotta  
TT: You don’t have to do anything, Kanaya. I was only curious.   
GA: Well Fine Might As Well  
GA: Basically Before The Game Started N Alternia Went Up In Smoke  
GA: There Was A Pretty Damn Successful Rebellion Movement  
GA: By Successful I Mean That They Avoided Culling For Like Half A Sweep  
GA: Thats Pretty Damn Good For My People  
GA: Two Of Their Heavy Hitters  
GA: N One Really Hella Irritatin Noob  
GA: They All Wound Up In Our Party  
GA: When The Game Started We Put Aside All This Civil War Bullshit  
GA: But Now That Weve Basically Won Outside Of Ya Know Killin The Demon It Sprung On Us At The Last Minute  
GA: Seems That Both Sides Are Schemin Again  
GA: N Im Caught In The Middle Of It  
GA: Ya Know What A Matriorb Is  
TT: Gamzee explained it during the briefing.   
GA: Yeah Well I Guess As The Last Jade Blood I Inherited It  
GA: Lucky Me  
GA: My Blood Color Is Just Droppin Hella Fun Adventures All Up In My Life All The Time  
GA: Thing Is Since We All Is The Last Survivors Of The Empire  
GA: We Got The Two Camps Wantin To Take Control Of The Matriorb  
GA: The Rebels Wanna Start Their New Society With It  
GA: N Gamzee N Feferi Wanna Keep Playin At Being The Biggest Dicks In The Species  
GA: N Both Of Em Wont Leave Me The Fuck Alone About It  
GA: Keep Tryin To Suck Up To Me  
GA: Threaten Me  
GA: Maybe Even Steal It From Me  
GA: All Depends Who Were Talkin About  
GA: So Im Trying To Keep It Neutral  
GA: Tryin To Act Like The Fuckin Counselor In This Weird Ass Auspisticy Clusterfuck So We Dont All Kill Each Other  
GA: So Im Basically Handcuffed To This Stupid Thing All Day Long  
GA: N This Thing Is Fuckin Atrocious Lookin I Look Like A Fuckin Basket Case With It All Hangin From My Wrist N Shit  
GA: I Hate It So Much   
TT: So you aren’t sure who to give it to?   
GA: Yes N No  
GA: See Even Though I Aint Exactly Fond Of This Thing  
GA: I Aint Givin It To Nobody  
GA: Its My Responsibility N Ill Own To That Even If Its Drivin Me Fuckin Crazy  
GA: But In Terms Of Who To Side With  
GA: N Keep This Confidential As Shit  
GA: I Guess Itd Be Best If I Hooked Up With The Rebels  
GA: I Mean Were Agreed That Gamzee N Feferi Aint Exactly The Most Trustworthy Motherfuckers  
GA: But Im Putting It Off For Right Now  
GA: You Know I Dont Wanna Start Off A Twelve Person War In The Middle Of All This  
GA: An Asteroid Divided Cant Hover For Shit N All That   
TT: And you’re sure that you’re hesitating for purely practical reasons? There are no personal motivations in play?   
GA: Gurl Why You Gotta Be All Creepy Like That  
GA: All Trying To Guess At What Im Feelin N Shit  
TT: But you do admit that you are not following through on what you believe to be the moral action because of your interpersonal entanglements?   
GA: I Never Said That  
TT: It seems implicit to me.   
GA: Ugh  
GA: Yeah Okay So Maybe I Dont Wanna Throw My Matesprit Under The Public Transportation Apparatus  
GA: Is That A Fuckin Crime  
GA: These Revolutionaries Aint No Weaklings  
GA: Aint No Weaklings Allowed On Alternia  
GA: Im Afraid Of What Theyd Do To Him If They Won  
GA: Or What Hed Do To Them Before He Went Down  
GA: I Dont Wanna See That Chucklehead Hurt Anybody Includin Himself  
TT: But you do intend to join them eventually?   
GA: Eventually I Guess  
GA: Why Do You Even Care  
GA: Aint You Supposed To Be Impartial N Shit  
TT: All I know is that Gamzee and Feferi are horrible people, at least in my experience. I strive to be nonjudgmental, but I will not conceal or disguise my honest appraisal. If you side with them, your revolutionary friends will die, and then they will remake your society exactly as it was: brutal, ruthless, and xenophobic. If what I’m hearing about your culture is true, then you will have no place in their new world order--and neither will any of your descendants. It remains your decision to make—but were it mine, and I knew that taking this or that action would result in the oppression of my kindred spirits, I would steer away, and try to find a different path.   
GA: Sigh  
GA: Sometimes I Wish Ya Was More Willin To Bullshit Me  
GA: Youre Right  
GA: But What The Hell Do I Do  
TT: I honestly can’t say. Whatever choice you make won’t be easy. However, I think the most important thing you can do is to talk. I advise that you discuss your feelings with Gamzee, because this kind of relationship is extremely unhealthy in its present state. If you want to take a proactive role in the cross-faction tensions, see if you can sit the two groups down to talk and find some middle ground.   
GA: Middle Ground  
GA: Do Ya Know How Fuckin Unlikely That Is  
TT: Extremely, I imagine. But if you simply allow events to unfold without interference, the end result may be grim indeed. Even the most hopeless of choices is preferable to certain doom. I urge you to think upon that.   
GA: Yeah  
GA: Ill Do That  
GA: About My Transcript  
GA: About How Long Does The Typical Session Last  
TT: About as long as the one we just had.   
GA: The One We Just  
GA: Oooooooooh  
GA: You Are Sneaky Miss Lalonde  
GA: Do Ya Skip The Pages On Ethics When Ya Read Those Psych Textbooks  
TT: It’s possible they were mysteriously glued together without my foreknowledge.   
GA: Best Be Careful Who Ya Pull That On  
GA: They Might Not Be As Forgivin As Me N Then Who Knows  
GA: Ya Might Just Get Spanked  
TT: I’m still disinterested, Kanaya.   
GA: Eh It Was Worth A Shot  
GA: So We Do Alright Then  
TT: Actually, it was an extremely productive session, if I may say so. I think we’re about done.  
TT: Unless there is something else you would like to talk about?   
GA: Nah I Think Im Good  
GA: I Actually Think I Feel A Lil Better  
GA: Gettin All This Off My Chest  
GA: So Same Time Next Week  
TT: Yes. And once you’ve finished your transcript, be sure to send me a copy so that I may fill in my portion of the dialogue.  
TT: Good night, Kanaya.   
GA: Yeah Til Next Time

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] has logged off -- 

\-- centaursTesticle [CT] has logged on --

CT: D --> So  
CT: D --> Here we are once again  
CT: D --> Just like old times  
GA: Oh For Fucks Sake  
CT: D --> How many times must we have this conversation before you see reason  
CT: D --> How much longer will it be before you finally saddle up and join the right side  
GA: I Aint Joinin No Fuckin Side I Am Strictly Neutral  
GA: See This Shit Aint No Sides Here  
GA: I Live In The Goddamn Space Between Spaces  
GA: Now Can Ya Please Leave Me Alone  
CT: D --> Kanaya, this isn’t difficult  
CT: D --> You’re being abso100tly 100dicrous right now  
CT: D --> I'll admit there aren't e%actly a lot of situations where there's a clear right and wrong  
CT: D --> But any idiot can tell that that's not the case here  
CT: D --> E%c100ding you, apparently  
GA: Man Why Cant You Just Leave Me Alone  
CT: D --> 100k, I get that this is a lot to deal with, really I do  
CT: D --> And I get that you have feelings for Makara, although I’m goddamned bamboozled as to why  
CT: D --> But there are bigger, more important things at stake than your relationship with that monster  
CT: D --> For the love of God, PLEASE  
CT: D --> Give us the Matriorb  
CT: D --> Gamzee won't even have to know until we win the game  
GA: Oh Fuck You I Aint Givin Ya Shit  
GA: The Matriorb Is My Responsibility Not Yours  
CT CT: D --> Yeah, and you're doing one hell of a job with the future of our species  
CT: D --> Sitting on the goddamn sidelines while we’re at the most pivotal moment in our culture’s history  
CT: D --> When the Matriorb hatches, we can tell all the wigglers the tale of Kanaya the Chickenshit, who bravely fucked them all over and sold their futures for the sake of TROO LUV OH MY  
GA: Yeah N Youre Certainly Not Bullshittin Me Bout Understandin Where Im Comin From Are Ya  
CT CT: D --> HE  
CT: D --> IS  
CT: D --> A MONSTER  
CT: D --> You will not change him  
CT: D --> You will not redeem him  
CT: D --> Do I have to get a damn speech amplification device and scream it in your goddamn ear  
CT: D --> Fucking Nepeta cud tell you how assinine this is  
CT: D --> Does that give you an indicator of how bent your brain pan is  
GA: Oh Yeah Equius Its So Easy Yellin At Someone Tellin Them To Throw Their Matesprit To The Goddamn Wolves  
GA: Especially When Yous Too Busy To Take Care Of Yer Own Personal Problems  
GA: You Still Havent Hashed Things Out With Vriska Have Ya  
CT: D --> That is udderly irrelevant to the subject at hand  
GA: Sure It Isnt  
GA: Cant Have Reality Messin With Mister Zahhaks Messiah Complex Can We  
GA: But Lets Say Youre Right  
GA: Lets Say Burst A Blood Vessel In My Think Pan N I Go  
GA: Gee Whiz I Sure Do Wanna Spend More Time Around Nepeta N Tavros N Hook Up With Team Equius  
GA: N Then Fuckin Galactic War VII Kicks Off Up In Here  
GA: How The Fuck Do I Know That Gamzees Gonna Be Safe  
CT: D --> You don't  
CT: D --> We the free people of Alternia-That-Was will not rule out ANY measure of self-defense  
CT: D --> And we’ll need to keep all our options open when Gamzee and Feferi flip out  
CT: D --> Stop acting like he's some confused little devil who accidentally stumbled up the road to heaven  
CT: D --> Gamzee Makara is a man who knows e%actly how insane Pei%es is, and he is a man who has decided to profit from it  
CT: D --> He has cast his lot with the oppressors of our people  
CT: D --> He has raised himself up upon a throne made from the b100dy corpses of our brothers and sisters  
GA: N There Ya Go With Those Weird Ass Made Up Words Again  
CT: D --> They are NOT made up, they are stirring and inspurring  
CT: D --> Now where was I  
CT: D --> Oh yeah  
CT: D --> If he will not come down  
CT: D --> Then we will BRING him down  
CT: D --> IF he chilled out and joined us,  
CT: D --> And that is a Green Moon-sized IF  
CT: D --> I myself w001ed welcome him with open arms  
CT: D --> But that simply is not going to happen  
GA: Stop  
GA: Actin  
GA: So Goddamned Certain About That  
GA: You Aint A Goddamn Mind Reader  
CT: D --> I don't need to read his mind, Kanaya  
CT: D --> I’ve seen the dungeons beneath his hive  
CT: D --> I have seen one of the greatest minds of Alternia reduced to the most wretched state imaginable  
CT: D --> I have read the scars in that boy’s back  
CT: D --> I saw the soul of Gamzee Makara in that poor soul’s blank, staring eyes  
CT: D --> I heard the most reliable testimony to his character in his screams  
CT: D --> And he was but one of the many, many tragedies whimpering in those cells  
CT: D --> I STRONGly doubt you could speak so fondly of this man if you had seen what I have  
CT: D --> You are in love with a mirage  
CT: D --> Don’t make the rest of your species suffer for it  
GA: Please  
GA: Please Just Stop Asking Me This  
GA: Stop Asking Me To Betray Him  
CT: D --> Betray HIM  
CT: D --> You’re betraying your ENTIRE SPECIES  
CT: D --> You would throw away a chance for a new Alternia where there would be no culling, no hierarchy, no compulsory reproduction  
CT: D --> You are smothering the hope of all trollkind in its cradle  
CT: D --> And you’re doing it for a monster who doesn’t even appreciate you  
GA: Appreciate  
GA: Fuckin  
GA: Dont Even Play Like This Is About The Future  
GA: This Is About Us Aint It  
GA: You Miss Us  
CT: D --> Are you serious  
CT: D --> Are you honestly so blind that you can only see this as one big crappy romance  
CT: D --> I dont need to feel jealous of Makara to hate him  
GA: But It Certainly Helps Dont It  
GA: Dont It  
CT: D --> ...You know what  
CT: D --> You just keep believing whatever you want to believe  
CT: D --> If you’re so certain I’m doing this because of some adolescent jealousy, as opposed to doing it because it’s the right thing to do,  
CT: D --> Then I can’t stop you  
CT: D --> But let me tell you this Kanaya  
CT: D --> The time is coming soon when we will all have to choose a side  
CT: D --> And if you choose to join with him  
CT: D --> If you choose to sell our brothers and sisters into bondage for your own selfish desires  
CT: D --> Trust me  
CT: D --> You WILL be against the wall when the Revo100tion arrives  
CT: D --> And I will do whatever is necessary to make sure no Highb100d EVER does what he has done  
CT: D --> Never again 

\-- centaursTesticle [CT] has logged off –- 

\-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] –-

GA: Rose   
TT: Kanaya, our next session doesn’t begin for another six days.   
GA: I Know  
GA: Its Just  
GA: I Know Youll Say You Never Judge Me Cuz Youre Professional N Junk  
GA: But Do You Like Me   
TT: Kanaya, I’ve already told you, I’m not interested.   
GA: Fuck That  
GA: I Dont Mean Like That I Just Mean Do You Like Me As A Person  
GA: Do You Like Me Beyond What Youre Required To As A Shrink   
TT: I suppose if I like you, if only as a friend.   
GA: Am I A Good Person   
TT: Well, you’re flawed, much like everyone is, but, to answer the question, yes, I do earnestly believe that you’re fundamentally good.   
GA: I Guess At Least One Person Thinks So 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Punctuality? Brevity? I don't understand are those even English
> 
> Anyway, here's the latest chapter. If you're reading this as of publishing, I'm gonna be taking this November off to see what I can do during NaNoWriMo. (Smart bet says less than I expect.) I doubt this affects that many serial readers, since, you know, I haven't really figured out the whole _serial_ thing, but yeah, I'll get another part posted on the other side of November. 
> 
> Behind-the-scenes crap:
> 
> I originally wanted to make Kanaya totally unlikeable, since the original is so nice. However, I realized I was turning the Madonna-Whore Complex into a character in the process, so I cheated and made this Kanaya basically decent, if defensive and a bit rough around the edges. (She was also coming out too much like original Eridan.) I'm kind of glad I didn't do that because if I had followed through with it, I would have based her personality and speech patterns off of the people from Jersey Shore. However, that would entail actually _watching_ Jersey Shore for research, and quite frankly, I just don't love you people enough to do that to myself.


End file.
